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Comment by damm | Hacker News Reader

It's one of the biggest problems we have. Typical response from a man is that I'm a great catch; she just doesn't know that she wants me. Once she's had sex with me she'll marry me.

This is actually someone threatening rape (imo). Unfortunately it's something our President has said.

We need to stop this behavior where people think they are entitled to someone else. We also need to have our Law enforcement act more appropriately to handle this; ensure Rape Kits are tested promptly.

Educating our children and adults reminding them what is and what isn't acceptable. It isn't acceptable to touch someone on the shoulder if they asked you to remove it.

Lastly we need to call sexual harassment what it is. It's harassment; it's something as a society we have ignored for far too long.

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Typical response from a man is that I'm a great catch; she just doesn't know that she wants me. Once she's had sex with me she'll marry me.

It's worse than that. For various reasons, some men are actively more interested if you reject them. It is a little bit like the principle that running from a bear will incite its chase instinct.

I don't know if it's the same for everyone else but growing up I was told you're supposed to chase girls and that if you don't actively pursue them you'll end up alone. I think that's where this kind of thing comes from.

I think it is more complicated than that, but that no doubt is a contributing factor.

This. The western culture puts women in a pedestal and men trying to climb it. It is a society problem, not men's fault.

It is a societal problem and not the fault of any individual, but it can only be solved by many individuals taking a good hard look at themselves and choosing to handle it differently.

Also, as a man, you are respected to break the girl's apparent resistance. If you are in early stages of relationship and want to wait for the girl to be comfortable to kiss you, you'll never get here. Asking a girl if you can kiss her will be awkward too and will probably be a no. Leaning in and kissing her will do the trick.

Obviously if she says no and leans away, you stop and don't try it.

That's actually not my experience, they always ask or at least give some fairly obvious sign that they want to, if they don't ask I always ask first. I've never just leaned in and kissed them and everyone that I've talked to say they hate that.

But I still hear LOTS of people say this and it's exactly what I'm talking about. Everyone keeps saying men need to be aggressive and I really do think that's what causes a lot of the sexual harassment.

I really liked the scene in some movie where Will Smith's character is coaching some guy to lean in like 80% of the way and then let her decide whether or not to seal the deal with a kiss.

I'm pretty picky about consent. There are men who know how to delicately signal their interest and invite me to signal back whether or not I am amenable. I have the general impression that such tactics get men a lot more action than tactics that intentionally step on a woman's boundaries as a matter of course.

This. Precisely this. I would just like to add that the lean in does work, but only when its pretty clear that you're having a great time and are very comfortable with each other. e.g. holding hands in a booth in a bar, dancing together and having fun etc.

But there are also many women, in my experience, that for whatever reason, don't or can't signal their interest or intentions. In that case I ASK them. It sounds very awkward to say it, but if done in private (i.e. you don't shout it out) I've actually noticed it creates a lot of comfort in the women. e.g. once I asked a girl I was on a date with, and she said she wasn't comfortable with PDA (we were inside a bar). I didn't push it, but after we left the bar and nobody was in sight outside, we did make out. I like to think if I had just "gone for it" in the bar, she would have been uncomfortable, I would feel rejected, and generally bad things all around...

The chasing means to pursue them romantically, not be aggressive sexually. And that whole notion is quite outdated now anyways.

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