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Comment by fjfkdjfjfjd | Hacker News Reader

Thanks for your insightful comment! And I'm sorry to hear of your brother's story. It has been hard, but I have suspended talking to people about non-work-related topics since this incident. I thought I was in a domain of acceptable topics, but I guess its better to exercise extreme caution. I am also not very socially-skilled so perhaps this lack of experience has been the catalyst for this incident. I would think that a normal person would signal to me that they are not interested in talking further, or should they feel bothered inform me of this prior to going directly to management, but I guess if they feel extremely threatened or intimidated, they might see management as their first option.

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> I am also not very socially-skilled so perhaps this lack of experience has been the catalyst for this incident.

Ok, then something came across much differently then you intended. Is there a dude on the job that you could trust which could provide you honest feedback? Someone who tend to talk directly and does not badmouth others behind their back. Emphasis on trust here, really it is important that you can trust that person. Maybe the person signaled that she is not interested, but you did not get the clues.

In my experience, level of directness required when talking with people who have less social skills is level that would be rude when talking with anyone else. Some people have hard time to overcome that. I have been accused of being rude by third party when I talked to my college like that - third party did not knew the guy.

That is not to excuse going to hr instead of directly talking to you, nor excuse that hr left you confused, but to emphasis that you want to ask for feedback someone who will speak frankly to you - and will keep the discussion private.

Thanks for your comment. I have a male coworker on my immediate team who I feel comfortable confiding in. I am a little confused though: what sort of honest feedback should I be asking for? How I may be coming across to other people? Something else?

What exactly makes people uncomfortable about your innocent small talk? What could you change so that you get interpreted correctly next time? Specific info like that.

Most advice here goes toward keeping to yourself and while it can be safer up to the point, social isolation sux in long term - it sux on the job too and limits your career. Also, if you isolate yourself people wont learn how to communicate with you either and will more likely to interpret you wrong. It is certainly reasonable to be careful about communication (safe topics, end small talk soon so that they wont get wrong idea, don't be persistent, etc), but if you closing yourself entirely is bad idea. But I cant tell you exactly what good strategy would be, only someone who sees you interact every day could.

The goal is to learn how to avoid the problem without isolating (and thus potentially harming) yourself.

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