Hacker News Reader

Comment by ca98am79 | Hacker News Reader

I strongly recommend okcupid.com. In my opinion it is the best dating site, especially for hackers - they even let you A/B test your photos. I'm a complete introvert/nerd and I've used their site with a lot of success. It is by far the best overall user experience out of all of the various dating sites - and it's free. Their blog is great, too: http://blog.okcupid.com

View on HN

I took the recommendation for OKCupid from a hacker friend I have in Palo Alto (I'm in Austin), and I met the woman of my dreams.

This was over a year and a half ago. We are engaged, and we close on our first house on Friday. OKCupid was great, I met my girl within the first 2 weeks, and we couldn't be happier.

I've tried numerous other sites both paid and free and didn't like the mix of those on there as much as OKCupid.

I have a date lined up from OKCupid. One word of caution, but this goes for online dating in general. It's taken me 6 months to land a first date. In real life (err I guess offline) it's easier for me to land a date than it is online. So, I suggest using online dating to augment finding dates offline in a more traditional sense. It is far easier for people to be picky online than it is offline.

It's taken me 6 months to land a first date.

What do you mean by that exactly? Are you saying you've been talking to one person for 6 months before the person decided to meet you for a date? Or are you saying that you've simply been on the site for 6 months before connecting with someone for a first date?

If it's the former, you're doing it wrong.

If it's the latter, you may need to do some additional work on your profile. There's a dramatic difference in the success of good profiles versus just "ok" ones.

Or are you saying that you've simply been on the site for 6 months before connecting with someone for a first date? this.

I've been sending out a lot of messages. I get replies quite often. I had two girls setup dates with me and we had exchanged phone numbers and SMSes. But the dates never happened and I lost interest. I had one old female friend reconnect with me and we went out, but that doesn't really count. The girl I'm going on a date with tomorrow I've been talking to for less than a week. Unless G20 turns into a convenient excuse to bail on the date, it'll be my first one through OKCupid.

Girls tell me I have a good profile. It's funny and I have good photos. I had a really crappy profile at first and definitely had to revamp it. But honestly, I found that photos make the biggest difference.

I might be doing it wrong. I have pretty high standards looks wise. I know... shoot me. So often I'm doing the rejecting/ignoring of messages. I live in a big city but I also go to a gym which has a lot of really attractive girls. I would say most of the girls on OKCupid in my area are a little less physically attractive, and are no better/worse in the personality department than ones I meet through traditional offline methods.

I also used OKCupid to augment my offline dating attempts. While the offline approach landed several more dates with a wider variety of women, the online approach landed me with my current Fiance. We've been together 4 years now and are getting married early next year. YMMV, but it worked for me :)

I'm not trying to be harsh, but you're doing it wrong.

I'm not particularly gifted in the looks department, but I can get about 1 date a week. How? Testing and speed. Here are a few tips..this advice isn't really making any assumptions about you..it mostly is a result of mistakes I've made and have seen other guys make.

Testing:

-Photos: ask friends to help pick the best ones, take some new ones, use OKCupid's photo-testing service, etc.

-Profile: I probably went through 5 complete rewrites, followed by a lot of constant tweaking. I think the biggest mistake most guys make is being way too serious in their profile. You've really got to keep it light and playful. Sure, be authentic and show who you are, but wait until after a few dates before getting all deep. Just have fun.

-Messages: Play around with the type of message you sent. Try some serious, try some playful, try some ridiculous/absurd. You'll see what tends to work more. I'm assuming you're doing more than just saying "hey what's up," that will just get you ignored.

Speed:

Don't write long messages implying you think you two are soulmates. The worst thing you can do is get hung up on hoping this one person with a great profile will reply. Getting into this kind of pattern will make you think way too hard about what to write to them for your first message. Look for interesting profiles, write a quick message, move on. You've got to get a good volume of messages out there, don't spend too much time on a particular profile.

EDIT: Forgot to mention one more thing, take it offline as soon as possible. Don't let the messages drag on..if someone replies to me I usually ask to meet up for a drink in the 2nd message I send.

Always Be Closing

Or, I might just be incredibly picky. See my reply here http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1466098. I guess that brings up another point. Some people might not have found someone offline because they're just picky. So don't presume that people "lower their standards" when they date online.

I have 16 conversations dating back to May in my inbox. Let me know if that's par for the course. The problem is, of these 16, 8 were girls that initiated contact with me and that I didn't find very attractive. Of the remaining 8, I had a date lined up with 1 that fell through, and a date currently lined up with another.

EDIT: Another stat. I sent out 39 messages from May until now. Of the 39 messages, 8 got replies. So that's about 1 in 5.

> The problem is, of these 16, 8 were girls that initiated contact with me and that I didn't find very attractive.

Do you mean that it's unattractive for a girl to initiate contact with you?

Not at all. The most annoying thing on OKCupid is seeing a repeat visitor that will not strike up a conversation with me until I initiate it. I actually find take-charge girls really attractive. What I meant is that I didn't find the girls who initiated contact with me so far, to be attractive. A few had very poor self esteem that I could tell just from the message they gave me. Many would say they have mutual hobbies/interests but when I probed further I realized they were lying and were the kinds of people that actually don't do much, which is also a turn off. Somewhere along the line I learned to overcome my introvert tendencies for periods of time. And I want to enjoy life with somebody who has similar interests. I go to the gym, play sports, have an active social life. I don't necessarily want somebody who is the same as me, but I also don't want somebody who's going to loaf around on the couch at home for an entire weekend. So far, girls like that seem to be initiating contact :-/

That could also be true, those were mostly just some of the things I had learned. I also have a decent amount of girls initiate contact with me, but I'm rarely interested in them.

Since about May 20th I've initiated contact with about 40 girls. Sounds like the problem is you just aren't sending enough messages. 1 out of 8 is pretty close to what I'd expect if you have a good profile.

Depends on where he lives. I live in Montevideo, Uruguay, and I had to look at profiles from people in other countries to get something resembling a match (only 3 active female users in my country).

He seems to live in Toronto, so that doesn't apply though.

Edit: I actually found my current girlfriend through another dating website :) and do recommend them for introverts.

There's no reason it should take you 6 months to find a date online (though you are using OKCupid, which tends to attract emotionally unavailable women, IMO).

I don't want to write too much, because it's all pretty much been written.

PROFILE: be funny, but most importantly, end with a "call to action": http://www.onlinedatingmatchmaker.com/how-to-write-an-online...

FIRST MESSAGE: keep it short. It's called "the one-line hook" http://www.onlinedatingmatchmaker.com/match-messages/

CLOSING THE DATE: make very specific suggestions, pick a place in her neighborhood http://www.onlinedatingmatchmaker.com/how-to-get-a-date-onli...

OKCupid [...] tends to attract emotionally unavailable women, IMO

I find this interesting. Could you please say more about it?

Sure thing. There are many members on OKCupid who are "just there to take the quizzes." Something about the way the site is set up just makes you want to fill your profile with sarcasm and snark - both of which you'll see a lot of in OKCupid profiles. I'm drawing a parallel between sarcasm and snark and emotionally unavailability because lack of sincerity doesn't seem to me to be a healthy trait of someone you're just getting to know.

I'm just speaking from experience on this last observation. It would be interesting to scientifically break it down: how much sarcasm and "angled" emo-esque profile photos you see in OKCupid vs. Match.com.

Additionally, OKCupid is a free site. In my experience, people who pay for their online dating are more serious about actually going on dates.

Dude, I signed up three weeks ago. And I've already gone out with three smart, hot girls. And I have several more smart, hot girls in queue for the next few weeks. I am on CLOUD NINE! Cloud 9, I tell you! OKCupid rocks. Many girls on there are smart and hot and like nerdy guys (aka us here on HN).

Right now, I'm using it to figure out what I want in a woman. I have a rough idea. But going on lots of dates with several women over a short period of time should give me a better idea. And hey, maybe one of them will turn out to be "the one." I have no expectations though. Just taking it day by day. (FYI--I'm 26/m and live in Los Angeles)

I can consult you on your OKCupid profile & messages. $100/hr =P

Reply on news.ycombinator.com