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Comment by bookmarkacc | Hacker News Reader

Im so, so sorry I got caught. It has been a difficult experience for me.

I would have liked to see more respect given to the victims rather than telling us how difficult getting caught has been for him.

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Honest question: can you tell me what phrases in particular you read this way? I read almost everything exactly the opposite way - and I'm genuinely curious which sentences can be interpreted so differently by different people.

"The past 24 hours have been the darkest of my life." - This is all about me, not the women. I've had a rough time and I want your sympathy.

"I have made many mistakes over the course of my career, some of which were brought to light this week." - I'm probably a pathological predator but prefer to view my illness and/or poor character as a set of "mistakes" because that's easier on me than admitting I'm a piece of shit.

"To say I'm sorry about my behavior is a categorical understatement." - I would acknowledge who I probably really am but I can't, if I even know.

"Still, I need to say it: I am so, so sorry." - So I'll just say "I'm sorry" instead.

"I direct my apology first to those women who I've made feel uncomfortable in any way, at any time - but also to the greater tech ecosystem, a community that I have utterly failed." - I did some really repulsive shit, but I don't want to say how repulsive, so let's just call it "making people feel uncomfortable." Also, I'm really bummed that so many people are getting mad at me.

"The power dynamic that exists in venture capital is despicably unfair." - This isn't about me at all, guys. It's about The System. If I just start acknowledging and condemning structural violence, maybe I can get the focus of this off of me personally.

"The gap of influence between male venture capitalists and female entrepreneurs is frightening and I hate that my behavior played a role in perpetrating a gender-hostile environment." - So let's talk about structural violence instead and how I'm just a cog in The System.

"It is outrageous and unethical for any person to leverage a position of power in exchange for sexual gain, it is clear to me now that that is exactly what I've done." - We all sin, OK?

"I am deeply ashamed of my lack of self-awareness." - If I had known everyone would get so fucking upset at me, I wouldn't have done those things. I hate it when people get mad at me.

"I am grateful to Niniane, Susan, Leiti, and the other women who spoke up for providing me with a sobering look into my own character and behavior that I can no longer ignore." - I wish those women hadn't done that. I'm totally fucked now.

"The dynamic of this industry makes it hard to speak up, but this is the type of action that leads to progress and change, starting with me." - But enough about me, let's talk about The System instead. That's the real problem. In fact, me being a piece of shit and it being brought to light is good for these women. I did them a favor! Don't you see?

"I will be taking an indefinite leave of absence from Binary Capital, the firm I co-founded in 2014." - Like I said, I'm totally fucked now and my partners booted me out.

"I will be seeking professional counseling as I take steps to reflect on my behavior with and attitude towards women." - My wife is so fucking pissed, you don't even know. We're probably getting divorced now, so thanks for that.

"I will find ways to learn from this difficult experience - and to help drive necessary changes in the broader venture community." - I still don't really get what I did wrong, but since everyone is so mad at me, I guess I'd better try to figure out how to not make people mad at me again like that.

"The Binary team will also be taking measures to ensure that the firm is a safe place for founders of all backgrounds to find the support and resources they need to change the world, without abuse of power or mistreatment of any person." - My partners are super pissed that I fucked their brand, and accordingly, their deal flow. Please don't take it out on them. They're not cool with what I did even though they probably knew about it.

"I owe a heartfelt apology to my family, my investors, my portfolio, and the team at Binary, who have been completely blindsided and in no way deserve the pain I've caused." - I'm sorry I fucked everybody's shit up.

I'm curious: if you were somehow in his position -- and were now actually genuinely apologetic, were actually blind to your own actions, were actually sorry for the harm you've done --

How would you word your apology such that it couldn't be interpreted in this (self-serving, not actually sorry) way?

A man who is blind to his own actions cannot sincerely apologize for them.

Of course, but the premise (of both my scenario and Justin's apology) is that his eyes are now open.

You're asking how the apology would sound coming from someone who understood what he had done?

Yyes, he is asking exactly that.

"I am deeply sorry for using my position as an investor to take advantage of the female founders who came to me and my firm seeking only our help and support. What I did was cruel and wrong. The harm I've done to myself, my firm, my reputation, and my family does not compare to the harm I did these women. As a man, I will never truly understand what it feels like to be the victim of these transgressions. I can only say how sorry I am, commit to getting the help I need to change, and hope that some day I may be able to make amends."

If there were a job like, "Professional apology writer," you would be great at it. On the other hand, I doubt you would work for anyone who needed such services, and good on you for that.

>As a man, I will never truly understand what it feels like to be the victim of these transgressions. //

Do you think that's true? Like women/men can't harras men sexually?

I do think it's true, at least as a practical matter. The fact that women can harass men doesn't make it not true.

Could you expand on your reasoning, please.

It seems to me that being sexual harassed by a person in a position of authority over you is unlikely to be that different based on sex but could differ a lot based on some of the characteristics that are often skewed to one sex or the other.

So men in general might feel greater humiliation, perhaps; women might feel more vulnerable: both because of the physical strength of men vs. women in general.

I am of the opinion that you can never "truly understand" another person's suffering unless you share their subjective experience. Women's suffering, in general and in this regard, is compounded by experiences and insidious forces far broader than the acts at issue in any given incident. It is both incorrect and intellectually disingenous to ignore this context, and to approach the matter as a simple and narrow question of whether men can be sexually harassed, and if so, how it makes them feel.

Consider Kafka. Any one incident in one of his stories could be fairly viewed as merely a confusing annoyance, but that would miss the point.

But even the structural nature of violence against women is insufficient context alone. The feelings women experience when they are victimized in this way are products of history. And I submit that you cannot share in that experience without that history, which is to say without having been born a woman.

I can no sooner "truly understand" how women experience these things than I can truly understand how it feels to be a black man called "boy." I understand it intellectually, and I empathize as much as I can, but I'll never "get it" as someone who isn't a member of the out-group.

This isn't a contest of suffering. I can suffer just as much as a woman, if not more, but not in the same way. It is the character of the suffering that makes us different.

I don't think anyone contends that you can completely understand anothers experience. Nor that any two instances of suffering (nor any experience) are identical.

What you need to demonstrate is that women are a special class who have entirely different experiences, to any member of other classes, when being sexually harassed.

This stands in stark contrast to some feminist rhetoric as it relies on men and women being fundamentally and innately unequal.

I don't think women are shrinking little flowers, as a class, that experience harassment in a way that no members of the out-class do. This, appears to be the supposition of your post.

How do you suppose you know enough of the experience of members of your own class (eg male) to say they are all markedly different to those of another class (female).

>The feelings women experience when they are victimized in this way are products of history. //

In the general case that sounds like bullshit. Convince me otherwise?

Respectfully, I have neither the time nor interest to educate about the world history of women's oppression and its psychological manifestations. I'm sure you can find plenty of reading material elsewhere.

Also, I'm a Beauvoir feminist, so I'm sure we'd have our differences about gender equality.

That's a very cynical (though not necessarily inaccurate) paraphrasal of his text. I am wondering: what kind of statement could he make, according to you, that is not amenable to such doubts?

I don't think there's anything he can say unless he knows a spell that will take him back in time and un-harass those women.

So the rite of apology as enshrined in our society's mores is entirely irrelevant and inconsequential? (I wouldn't disagree either way, as I don't put much stock into words after events) but if you don't believe in apologies would you feel it appropriate for the alleged perpetrator just to remain silent?

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