A boy the bullies love to beat up
nytimes.com
nytimes.com
I expected my fellow hackers to condemn this bullying behavior and support the bullyee. But instead I was very surprised (more like stunned) to read some of these responses.
I empathized with the boy in the story because it could have been my story. And probably the story of many people here. Just because you're not a jock or a ladies man, then something must be wrong with you.
The attacks on this boy were unacceptable and inexcusable. I don't know the answer to this problem, but blaming the victim is NOT.
Users who merely use a computer system don't get that feeling hackers get when they are able to push into that creative realm, to shape and mold a system, often ideas that had not been anywhere. It's that experience of bringing something out of nothing, I think, is what makes coding so much fun. You get to make choices when you code.
But just as you can make these choices when you code, you can do the same for your life. Why else would people flock to Hacker News? Sure, it is about Paul Graham's ideas on startups. I think, though, we flock here because we want to take control of your financial situation.
What about your social life? What about that bully in high school ... or that asshole boss of your's that keeps taking advantage of you?
In this civilized society, physical abuse is grounds for punishment by the community. Verbal abuse leaves a lot of room to seriously damage someone without leaving a mark. The question I have to ask is, are you going to depend on the civilization's operating system, or are you going to use the skills learned from hacking code to really understand how the social OS works?
It may seem like blaming the "user", but you protect users from themselves because they don't know how to hack. I too empathize with the boy, but I also think he already has a lot of the tools he needs to get himself out.
I don't have to imagine the crippling effects of this. I've met a few people whom I can see it happen. As for myself, though I've never been bullied to the extent this kid has, I have had bad life strategies that took me years to disassemble.
At the same time, some of the gifts I've been given are things that'd help even with crippling damage. As cheesy as that sounds. And assuming I remember if after suffering the damage.
Civilization is what lets people behave like ... people ... without going around bashing each other on the head. Yet at the same time, you cannot let the civilized abstractions separate you from your survival instincts. We are not just the identity we form with other people; we are each in these fragile sacks of water called the human body. I may try to increase the general level of civilization to ensure the safety of the people, yet just as importantly, I'll also try to pass on survival skills that I have learned. Including surviving crippling damage.
But people will always pick on easy targets. The lesson to be learned is that confidence and the will to fight back can go a long way in preventing these kinds of attacks in the future. Sometimes the "wait for the authorities to save me" approach doesn't work. That's why we're empowered to defend ourselves.
The solution is twofold: change the environment to reduce physical violence, and change Billy to make the bullies less willing to attempt any attacks.
On the other hand, this relates to one of my pet causes. It is a shame that the boy’s parents have no options except to A) petition the school board for relief B) mount a political campaign to unseat the school board incumbents and then reform the school system (a large undertaking) or C) move to another school district. Why can’t they just take their money to a better run competitor?
School choice doesn’t answer every school quality problem, but there is a certain perverse anti-logic in bureaucratic monopolies that pervades much of what goes on in primary education.
Hopefully my rising to the bait won’t pollute Hacker News discourse too much, as only those who click on this comment thread will read my comment.
Still, a step in the right direction.
I once hired a private tutor to help me fill in some gaps (see lame private school comment above!) After I had caught up (in a couple of months), we spent about 95% of the time learning random things rather than anything I was doing in univ (he hated computer science - not a real science he said!) I think he enjoyed our sessions as much as I did. From time to time, he helped me on hard problems I would do outside of the university curriculum but by and large we were just learning. This is the way we run our homeschooling. Just learning.
Ah brings back memories. He used to complain about all the other students and how they never do their work!
It seems unlikely that there could be a technological answer to those problems, but who knows?
Remember this? Ender didn't like how his bullies fought, strong versus weak. He didn't like how he fought, smart versus stupid. And none of it worked with his brother, who is just as smart and much more ruthless. Ender just wanted to be left alone.
What about the Buggers? Weren't they bullying the humans? What happened later when Ender found out the Buggers didn't even know they were killing sentient beings? What was the human response? To get a bigger stick.
What are Billy's parents doing? They are doing what Ender realized couldn't happen in Battle School. He couldn't go to the authorities. He had to finish it on his own.
Why did Billy's sister stopped him from finishing the fight? To win, you have to to win all the fights that come after -- that was what Ender saw. What happened in the trial at the end of the book? Those kids had died. If Billy did that, he would win that fight, and it would be a Pyrrhic victory. Instead of a New York Times article about bullying, we'd have a media fest about another Columbine.
Ender won almost all his fights, but it nearly destroyed him. To win, he had to empathize with the enemy until he loved them. Then he annihilated them. He kept seeing Peter's face in the mirror, until he realized his sister Valentine was always with him. He beat the Giant who kept killing him with those poisoned drinks ... by cheating. And that's when he came to the End of the World.
My point with Ender's Game is not to say that Ender had the solution to this, but rather that the book discussed all the issues people are bringing up here in these comments. In detail. It is too bad it seems so few people have read it or regarded my comment as pointless enough to downmod it. Too bad for them.
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At any rate, you will see this time and again in any institution that has an internal disciplinary system. The effect is twofold:
1. Small infractions are amplified in importance. Thus, it is possible to be socially humiliated for...writing on a desk, talking out of line, chewing gum.
2. Large infractions are covered up. Thus, beatings, which in the real world could result in prison, are punished with 3 day suspensions.
Both of the above are designed to preserve the power structure. Minor infractions are punished for the sake of exercising that power, reminding people of it, to prevent cracks from forming, etc etc. Meanwhile, large infractions are covered up so that the outside world doesn't realize that it needs to intervene.
- Probably, about 50% of the fault lies with Billy. He will never get out of this hell if he doesn't accept a big part of responsibility. There's a reason he's the only one that gets beat so much and so hard. I'm sure his mother is well-meaning, but she's not helping him by putting all the blame on the other kids and the authorities which don't do squat. Which brings me to my next point.
- Trying to get Billy out of hell by counting on authorities or throwing lawsuits is mostly pointless. The perpetrators are mostly untouchable and they're fully aware of it. Those that push for the authorities to enforce Billy's safety are only taking his destiny out of his hands and giving him a good excuse to blame others for his predicament. "It's not my fault if I'm not safe, it's the authorities that don't protect me enough". There will always be waves and waves of people that will attack Billy, verbally or physically, because guess what, there are tons of people in this world that are in dire need of better status and self-esteem and a lot of them will opt to pray on easy targets to make themselves feel superior.
- I'm sure Billy thinks he can't reverse the tide because everyone knows him and how he gets beat. But throw him in a new neighborhood where nobody knows his past at all, and I'll bet you the same problem will occur. That's because he's projecting a bloody image of himself that the sharks will no doubt sniff real quick. When I was bullied, when people I had never even seen called me names I thought the word somehow had got around. But what I should have understood is that it's just the blood and shark thing. It's not that everyone knows you, it's that everyone can picture you in the generic loser template. Those days, I can recognize the "old me's" at a glance, and it's painfully obvious I could become a bully if I hadn't matured properly.
- Trying to find external motivations like "he's too tall" or "he wears glasses" or "he has learning disabilities" is BS. When I was a loser, I was indeed "too tall", and there always was "something wrong with me" (ex: unfashionable clothes), but now I'm as tall as ever and I still have unfashionable clothes but nobody notices that anymore. Weird, eh? No, it's just my attitude that's changed.
Do you have any unsubstantiated claims that DON'T come from "The Secret"?
But really, how can you explain that I had mostly the same attitude for 12 years and had the same problems and then I changed pretty fast and the problems went away just as quickly? Coincidence?
If I only had 10% responsibility, seems to me I would have been mostly powerless to change things. I don't think my neighborhood has gotten any more or any less safer than it was. If it wasn't my environment that changed and it wasn't me that did either, yet all the situation changed, how do you explain that?
When I say it's his fault, it's not to put him down, it's to empower him.
In my (purely anecdotal) experience, telling someone they have a "choice", or they can change things, ... it does not work very well. That experience of knowing you can reach out and make a choice was something like becoming enlightened. You get it or you don't.
I guess you just have to reach a point where you're fed up enough that you want to change for the best, whether it takes a year or 12 to reach your bottom of the barrel.
edit: There's this guy on the street that told me to raise my head instead of looking on the ground, and that kickstarted my process. I know it wouldn't have worked if I hadn't been fed up with my current situation and didn't have a clue I could do something about it. Like, if he had told me that 2 years earlier it wouldn't have had any effect probably. But it's just to say, if you're in deep trouble like Billy my hints might be worthless but for someone farther along, "on the fence", it might help.
I hear ya though. I didn't get beaten up, but I felt like a loser for a long time. It was made worse because I was naturally able to get a lot of things right, the first time. As things got more and more progressively difficult, I couldn't figure out why I wasn't able to accomplish what I wanted to do.
I was helped though by a lot of fiction writers -- Heinlein, for one. I read Ender's Game annually for a while. But it wasn't until reading Neal Stephenson's Diamond Age that I got thinking I should start writing stuff, as a way to try to pass on what I know now about taking initiative, personal responsibility, etc. that on the off-chance that some teenager scraping the bottom of the barrel gets a hold of my book, it just might be what catalyzes this realization.
Diamond Age was about a primer given to three different girls; the primer was built with nanotech, has a database full of old myths, folklore, and teachings, has sensors to figure out what is going on around itself and the girl that is bonded with it, and is able to generate stories based on what's happening. It was that which lead me to my current studies into Joseph Campbell's works on mythology and folklore. It's also why articles like this has always interested me.
It's also why I like the whole concept of OLPC. I'd like to be able to write something like that Primer, or at least a pale imitation of it.
It also helped that I trained in the martial arts that I did. Martial arts is pretty much obsolete if you measure if by how well you can inflict violence. A gun is a technology allowing someone to inflict more damage with less training time. But as far as a life practice that keeps your ability to take initiative sharp -- something Stephen Covey describes as "sharpening your saw" -- to push past that, "I dun wanna" feeling, martial arts is better for that than a gun.
Since I think you understand this, I'm bringing this out here which I normally wouldn't for Hacker News. There's a Japanese word meaning budo. Transliterated, it means "way of war". I once heard someone explain it to mean, "the art of living well under all circumstances while protecting your interest." That is the context which I was reading the story with the bullying.
The other is the Chinese word, kungfu. It's used in America to mean "martial arts", but it's been mistranslated. ("Wushu" is what you want). Kungfu means refined skill accumulated over time, the integral of effort over time. One teacher I met at a seminar once said, "I don't know why 'kung fu' is translated as 'martial arts' when it really means patience."
I hope there are still neighborhoods where that kind of thing does not occur at all. When I went to school, there were of course popular and not so popular kids, but I don't recall kids having to visit the hospital on a regular basis because of bullying.
Let's say Billy has a GetsInTrouble factor and the neighborhood has a Violence factor. If Billy still has a GetsInTrouble factor of 8/10 but gets into a neighborhood with 1/10, of course he'll be far better off. But he could take matters in his own hands and try to lower his GetsInTrouble factor; taking an assuming posture towards the situation would already be a great first step.
Changing himself would be far more effective than trying to change his environment or worse, letting his mother or other intervenants try.
edit: By the way, I'm not saying that changing his violent environment is not a worthwhile goal. Just that he shouldn't count on it much. If he doesn't count on it, his situation will be better whether the environment change happens or not. But if he counts on it, he's just denying responsibility again and that won't protect him if he ever relocates or if the environment changes again.
First, like I said, take responsibility. I don't see how you can go further before you do that. After, you have to realize that you deserve respect. If you really think you don't, then start acting in a way that will make it easier in the future for you to think you deserve respect.
Recognize that if you change enough then you can psychologically detach yourself from your past mistakes: "I just didn't know any better". It's a bit of a chicken and egg problem: You think you are a loser because you act like one, and you act like one because you think you are, and thinking that actually makes you a loser... The important thing is to reverse that downward spiral into an upward one. I think the most important thing is in what direction and at what speed you're going, not where you are on the scale.
That will have a positive impact on your attitude. You'll look less and less at the ground when you walk and more towards the horizon. You'll see better what's ahead and like a good driver, you'll see things coming and be prepared. But you won't need the preparation as much because you have your better attitude. There's a quote somewhere that goes something like: "Plans are worthless, but planning is gold." You'll see that people notice you less and less and random bullies don't seem to recognize you anymore. Since you'll be a much harder target, the ones that know you well will eventually seek an easier one.
Also, don't fall in the trap of just trying to say clever things when people call names. Those who talk shit all day are pretty damn good at it and it's not so much what you say as how you say it. And even then... don't go the reply route, it's useless and will probably just end you in bigger trouble. Oh and also, don't think you can just try the ignore game. Now, if you can't ignore or reply, what can you do (for the transitory phase where you're still not far enough along that people still try their bait)? In that case, just not saying anything and remaining calm much worked well for me. When they talk shit, they're usually saying quite stupid things, and if you don't react their own stupidity will bounce right at their face. They'll look more agitated than you, which will make them look bad. And don't forget that those that call names are not exactly the most winner of all so you can bet on it that they'll choke if you don't. Not sure how much all of this applies in case of physical assaults, but I'm guessing Billy gets more words than fists in his face.
I've only been rarely picked on as a kid, maybe all of five times that I remember. No one tried more than twice. I made friend with some of them. I pushed around a couple people (psychologically and socially), at least until one of them told me a few years later exactly what I did. (We were walking somewhere, and he opened up to me for some reason).
I agree that there are aggressors that sniff out fear and weakness. This may even be a literal thing, if someone can smell the stink of fear. However, I have no idea if this is what's happening in this specific instance of Billy. You really have to be face-to-face before you can be sure.
Whether or not Billy is giving off the "I'm a victim" signal, counting on the authorities is like looking for a bigger bully. You're reaching for a bigger stick, whether that is in the form of a lawsuit or jail time.
On the flip side of things, the American public education system is not that great. It's biggest flaw, particularly in middle school, is that it sets up the same kind of conditions as found in the Stanford Prison experiment. But that is more of a comment about the teacher-student dynamic than it is about the student-student dynamic. When you come down to it, forcing kids to go to school turns the whole education process into one big babysitting operation, and I think most kids know this at some level. Does that create more opportunities for these kids to get a sick kick?
I have a couple friends that grew up in the Talladega, AL area. Each of them independently told me that people around there are clinically antisocial and borderline-psychopathic. Hell, some are not even "borderline". They each told me that it wasn't just that people are inheriting genetic factors that predispose them to these kind of behavior, there are also environmental factors reinforcing them. The parents there mess with their kids. A common form of entertainment for groups of men is walking around looking for someone to beat up. In other words, you don't walk around in that area unless you're prepared to be physically assaulted.
A number of these issues is thoroughly addressed in Orson Scott Card's book, Ender's Game. Or even Lord of the Flies. Adolescent humor is exactly that. "Heh-heh". Look at Beavis and Butthead or South Park. It's what happens when there's no longer any real coming-of-age rites in a civilized society.
From the article: "She wonders why Billy is the only one getting beaten up"
Apparently not in his case.
Apparently not in his case.'
That's still circumstantial.
I'm not saying the kid could use some more personal responsibility and take initiative. We don't even know if the kid really is the only one getting beaten up. From that same article, "A decade ago a Fayetteville student was mercilessly harassed and beaten for being gay. After a complaint was filed with the Office of Civil Rights, the district adopted procedures to promote tolerance and respect — none of which seems to have been of much comfort to Billy Wolfe." And more telling, the mother is the one who is saying Billy is the only one getting beaten up. I don't find parental perception of what is going on at school generally all that reliable. They are about as reliable as school authorities.
What I'm saying is that until I get down to talk to Billy face-to-face, I'm not going to conclude that Billy is giving off the "beat me up" signals. But if that is what is happening, what you are suggesting works. Most people can use a good dose of personal responsibility.
I agree with you on all but one point. The solution is not to "make Billy accept a big part of the responsibility". The solution is to put him in a different environment, one where his confidence is allowed to grow. Then, after he feels better about himself, you could talk about what sort of behaviors are likely to attract bullying. I get the feeling that if you told him that he was to blame for his bullying, he would just feel more oppressed.
This article and xkcd are both more informative than "time to add a down arrow," no matter how much I may agree.
Everyone thinks their child is sweet and innocent, but in reality the kids who get beat up repeatedly are doing something to cause it. They may not deserve the end result, but their actions do encourage it.
1.- Not being able to physically defend himself.
2.- Not being alert of his surroundings.
3.- Not being able to have friends who would look after him.
4.- Even having a behavior that exasperates other students.
I may even ask the question: What is he getting out of this? Is he getting more attention? Is he getting to feel like a victim? Is he getting the right to feel sorry about himself? Is he able to justify his low grades?
I actually know of a guy who didn't luck out. His father forced the guy to go learn karate as a kid. Because he was getting picked on. His father yelled at him when he sucked. I imagine his teachers then yelled at him too. The worst part of it was that after he grew up, he is still taking some form of martial arts. He is still getting picked on by his training group, even though he switched to a different art, twice. He is so desperate for friends, he whines about the verbal abuse of his current teacher yet refuses to quit because the training group and the teacher are the only friends he has. These are not the reasons to go learn a martial art.
That's not to say Karate won't work. The main thing is to get him around people who act like sane, socially-healthy adults -- people who takes initiative in a civilized society yet have not lost touch with their survival instincts. That may or may not be karate.
Awful story :(