Being Present: You have ten to twelve years to connect with your kids
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She's almost 16 now and I couldn't be more proud of her. She's smart and we have a great relationship. My company has done well enough that I can fly to her or she can fly to me any time. My wife and her have a great relationship (they are almost like sisters) and my younger daughters adore her.
Even though we never lived together all the time, I feel we have a better relationship than many fathers/daughters do. I couldn't imagine what it would be like if I hadn't made the effort.
Good post.
I had just turned 19 (2 months) before my son was born. Never married, but made the choice to stick around and make sure I was there every other weekend (and more, if allowed). I didn't have the "normal" college life, because I was gone every other weekend.
I've stayed in the midwest because of my son, rather than moving out to CA or NYC. For the first 6 years of his life, I never missed a weekend visit. For 3 of the 8 years he's been around, I drove 6 hours roundtrip every other weekend. The rest of the time it's just been a 4 hour roundtrip.
And, I've yet to regret it. I've been shown more opportunity than I could have ever dreamed of. No idea if that's karma, but it wouldn't matter anyway because the time with him is time well spent.
Today I was fortunate to have my Dad meditating right beside me for awhile. For the first time in 37+ years (i.e. exactly how old I am) I felt his presence and realized that it had always been there. Every second of every day of my life, my Dad has been present. He definitely fits the type A anxiety driven archetype, and he always struggled with working and really being with his family. His presence almost always manifested itself as a highly interested attention, which I let grate on me many atime -- especially during my teenage years. In fact I don't know if I've ever really acknowledged it as a presence rather than something else, usually unwelcome. But now I realize that in many ways its what made me who I am today. Be present indeed.
At that point, you've probably overcome the biggest hurdle.
Take it from someone whose parents didn't.
How many YC'ers were parents while in the program?
Two wives: you are tired
Three wives: they hate each other
Four wives: they hate you!
(This is a half-remembered quote but I don't recall where I heard it and my googlefu has failed me)
Your co-founder might want out and take almost all the equity. Even so you still must keep helping with funding.
Even if everything goes well with your co-founder, you put a lot of money into it but your shares gradually and inevitably unvest, till 18 years later you've got 0% equity.
Even so you might be expected to shell out a couple of rounds of funding ("we're getting traction and in 4 years we'll be getting revenue").
Then, although you aren't liable for your "startup"'s actions anymore, your reputation is forever linked to it.
What's the upside?
/ducks
Have a child and you'll see, unless you really are as sterile as you sound. :)
Thank you HN for such great people and quality posts :)
I love my kids... but I've never had the rosy "they make my life complete" vibe that a lot of other people talk about.
Maybe there's something wrong with me?
Kids are a tremendous time and money sink. Nightly storytime, getting down on the floor to play with them, encouraging them as they experiment with art/music/dancing/etc, taking them to the playground/pool/skating/etc every weekend... those hours used to be for programming, learning, video games, dating, movies, friends, "alone time", and everything else I gave up on or cut WAY back on in order to make space in my life for my kids.
Looking back on my life, I think I would do it again... so I guess there's some benefit to it all. But damn if I can see it or articulate it.
(They're 5, 3, and 1month)
If not, you're doing it wrong.
Hang in there.
then why connect with your kids at all -whether or not you connect with them they will --turn into teenagers-- what a scary way of saying it - like a beautiful butterfly turning into a monster - tune you out and then turn into adults --and you turning into a pathetic old man -in their eyes- i think it is better to listen to Paul Graham http://www.paulgraham.com/lies.html and tell them to skip school and immediately start their own company at the earliest age possible before they are indoctrinated by education to become professional consumers - make mistakes early and often - and forget about this soupy-kitschy-romantic stuff about -connecting- with kritters that -turn into teenagers- who squeeze you for cash to pierce metal studs in their belly buttons-
When we first started Y Combinator we encouraged people to start startups while they were still in college. That's partly because Y Combinator began as a kind of summer program. We've kept the program shape—all of us having dinner together once a week turns out to be a good idea—but we've decided now that the party line should be to tell people to wait till they graduate.
Further, in all the examples I can think of they dropped out because they already had a company going or at least had a really strong idea for a company. That's pretty different than dropping out hoping you'll come up with something.
My point is just, if you're going to drop out of (any) school you better make sure you have a really good plan because it's a big deal. You're leaving some real advantages on the table so you better be able to justify it.
1. There is a range between being a cold, distant disciplinarian and trying to be your child's 'BFF.'
2. Connecting with your kids means forming a relationship with them, it does not define what that relationship is supposed to be.
3. Those first 10-12 years are the more formative years of your child's life. Those are the years where just being present in your child's life can make the greatest impact (vs not being present in your child's life).
My son (4) regularly says he's going to go and buy a new daddy. Yesterday I wouldn't let him do something so he took my fathers day card away that he made me! Made me laugh :)