If you go to a place where you're by yourself and aren't talking to people you aren't a wallflower, you just didn't prepare.
Also you form actual friendships from time to time.
I don't want to drink or do other recreational drugs (even if they are legal). Going and not doing also seems to be not an option, you're clearly the black sheep.
I've found two things that really made it easy to go to parties and things and not drink:
- Don't make a big deal about it, just politely decline when someone offers you a drink. "Can I get you a drink?" "I'm good, thanks" or "no thanks" is all it takes. If you say "no, I don't drink" to someone who's been drinking, that's way more likely to turn into an awkward situation. Alternatively, "I've got to drive" works too.
- Don't make it obvious that you haven't been drinking. If people are cheering and being loud, participate! You're at a party! When I first cut back, I often tried to talk about whatever it was I was thinking about at the time and was often met with "Dude, why are you thinking about that right now? We're on a pub crawl!" Time and place.
Now when I go out to a party, I'll hang out, do whatever's going on, and usually offer a few people a ride home whenever I'm getting ready to leave. Still gives me a chance to socialize for a while, catch up with old friends/meet new ones, and then I get to wake up and feel great the next morning.
Edit: re: being the "black sheep"... if you're otherwise just going with the flow of conversation and energy in the room, the only person who will really notice whether or not you're drinking is you. Hell, I sometimes even play drinking games (e.g. sociables) with a glass of water. Some people know that I'm just drinking water, some don't, but no one cares because I'm in there having fun with everyone else.
Also, if you're at a party with red solo cups, water is pretty much indistinguishable from any other drink, and if you're really feeling self-conscious about it, some Sprite or Coke or whatever with a few ice cubes is visually identical to a mixed drink. Beer might be trickier.
- Pair up with random guy at a school hackathon because we're both without a project (+1). Meet a friend of his (+1).
- Meet him months later for birthday drinks. Introduced to his friend, we end up starting a band with 3 of his friends. (+4)
- Meet countless people through the music scene (+?)
- Go to another hackathon together with first guy, join another pair (+2), win, catch a recruiter's (+1) attention and get an internship.
- Meet countless people over the summer during the internship (+?)
- [...]
That's the very short version. Most of my network can be traced back to like, 4 people that started as strangers. There were a lot of dead-ends initially, sure. But it really does just take one person to build or reshape your entire social circle, change your career, etc. The first set is the hardest imo, but there's no excuse* for not going out and trying to find it.
*excepting, of course, any affliction which might make social interaction difficult. "i'd rather stay home" is not an afflication
I've now moved a couple of times in my adult life. I find that it takes about six months to find a group of people to hang out with occasionally, and two years to acquire a small group of friends that I feel comfortable with. It seems to get harder as you get older, too.
If your interests are not of a social nature, maybe try something that is. I climb a ton and that sport has resulted in so many new and valuable friendships I couldn't even list them here. Also, figure out who you jive with at work, if they have time to hang out and if there are overlapping interests. Invite colleagues to lunch.
Making friends take energy, it is like dating really, where you attempt to determine if there's a match. It might involve getting a beer or doing activities and generally being outside of ones comfort zone. You'll either fail or you'll get to a point where you can both relax comfortably. But it is going to be work for a while.
Personal anecdote:
I was in NY for 3 months for work and my luck was that my primary hobby, climbing, is a very social activity and walking up to strangers is sort of welcomed. I spent the first month never turning down an invitation from colleagues and making an effort of talking to people at the gym. The first month was rather gruelling, and I sometimes felt like I was intruding on people's good will and perhaps their pity of me being alone in a new city. But after the initial brutality, my coworkers became comfortable around me and started inviting me to things they went to and I became a part of a small group of regulars at the climbing gym. I made a bunch of friends for life and I miss them dearly now that I am back again.
Additionally, and primarily, I was so stressed and not feeling good about myself, that I felt awkward in conversations. The questions about immediate life; well, my answers -- and I've always had trouble dissembling -- were not "good" and "cheerful."
This all becomes more and more of a Catch 22. You're not doing well. Your social life dwindles. You feel worse for the lack of a social life and engagement.
And, those social engagements you do have, can take on too much meaning. Too much import. And you choke.
So... Look at sources of (negative) stress in your life. And minimize them where you can't eliminate them. This isn't some mantra to "feel better" (in the face of reality). This is an action plan. Not always an easy one, but where you can identify problems and -- hopefully -- solutions.
My best wishes to everyone who faces this.
It placed all the burden on me, to accommodate the stressors.
This is an anti-pattern. That is my point.
Work through and past and away from the negative stress. You have a right -- and responsibility -- to do so. And you'll feel less uncomfortable around other people, when you feel like you're taking care of yourself.
(This isn't to say that resilient patterns can't help you engage with potentially stressful situations OR help you get in, chop wood, and move through tasks that aren't easily automated... just that "there will always be stress/tasks/entropy/hunger/fill-in-the-blank" doesn't seem to be a compelling reason to avoid efforts to mitigate any of them.)
The truth is: many of the "most likeable" people - young or old - spend most of their time alone. Alone at their desk, alone at home, alone in the car. It seems society is just an actual society at School and University, afterwards people become loners. As a matter of fact many people even die more or less alone, no matter if the career was successful or not.