"I would kill for an easy to use tool like xcodes Time Profiler" -- maybe this(https://www.visualstudio.com/vs/debugging-and-diagnostics/) can help.
"I really miss c++ (or even better swift)." -- maybe this(http://mypy-lang.org/) can help.
I am just trying to help and have no intention of going into static vs dynamic typing but if you want to do data science stuff in a statically typed language, you should have a look at F# and its type providers(http://fsharp.org/guides/data-science/). I personally don't agree with a few of your criticisms of python, but you needed to rant so I'll just ignore them :)