I think silicon valley is much more accepting
of me or rather, of people like me. I'm not trying to say that silicon valley is more accepting in general. I suspect that if I were different in other ways, I might feel like San Francisco is more accepting. There are certainly ways in which silicon valley is quite exclusionary, too.
My point here isn't that one is more exclusionary than the other; just that they are very different, and likely will work well for very different people.
I think the explanatory principle is that most folks understand other folks through the use of archetypes; Silicon Valley is the only place/culture that has an archetype that matches me closely enough to be a useful model. Outside of Silicon Valley, I am pretty far off from any of the established archetypes, so people don't come with the pre-built ruleset for dealing with me that they have here in silicon valley. I can only really relate to people who are willing to step outside that archetype model. I mean, that's absolutely necessary for a close relationship; your friends and lovers don't think of you as an archetype, they've taken the time to actually know you. But your bartender? the person interviewing you? Someone deciding if they want to put in enough effort to actually get to know the real you in a friendship (or romantic) kind of relationship? All of those people are often operating on that archetype model, at least until they get to actually know you, if they get to know you.
Now, there's something to be said for having that filter; in the absence of an archetype, the only people who can become close to you are the people who are open to foreignness, and I personally like those people better than people who don't have that trait, but even if you are willing to take that as a pre-filter, it is kind of neat to live in a place where people who only meet you in passing seem to kind of know you.
For me, being that archetype was a really novel experience; honestly, I think I need to travel more and spend more time in places that are open minded but where I don't fit into any archetype sometimes, but I think silicon valley has given me a really interesting experience in that here I'm... normal.
I suspect the problem in San Francisco, for me (and a lot of people who are comfortable in silicon valley) is that they have an archetype that almost fits me, but it is off enough to be non-predictive and uncomfortable for all involved. I think that being that close to a archetype that doesn't fit you is in many ways worse than being clearly outside of any established archetype, especially in a place that seems to be as accepting of foreigners as San Francisco.
Really, I think foreignness is a reasonable model here; when I lived and worked in the central valley, sure, that's where I spent most of my childhood, and most people looked like me, but I always felt like I was a foreigner. My values, my personality, and my expectations just don't mesh with that area. I felt like I was on the wrong planet, and my impression is that the central valley just doesn't tolerate foreignness the way that places like San Francisco or Silicon Valley do.
The short list of places I need to try next is New York, Seattle and Portland. I suspect that the models that people in those places will be sufficiently off from, you know, me that I won't fit into any archetype, but I think that those places are sufficiently open minded that I could be a "foreigner" and still be able to operate socially, but that theory has yet to be experimentally proven, except for a few weeks in Seattle.