You're telling yourself a lot of things. You're also comparing other people's highlight reels to your backstage. You're much more normal than you think. You do seem to have a barrier that once broken will be gone forever. Usually it's achieved by meeting someone special or experiencing something special which will make you go "whatever I thought all my life is irrelevant right now because I'm enjoying this so much."

Stop planning and researching. Go outside and get in trouble.