Where I work we moved our happy hours to be squarely within work hours (before 5pm) and other places I have worked have had very few after-hours events. Just be aware that startups or young companies that you may be attracted to may not be congruent with your wish to have a life outside of work. If the company attracts more people with spouses/families, then they will be a bit more respectful of your life.
Also: remember, if they are keeping a scorecard, judging you based on bullshit like whether you attend happy-hour outside events, you need to note this in your evaluation of them. Don't let it all be on you. It is on them, for creating idiotic acceptance criteria. From time to time you have to be ready to fire your boss (get a new job) for his being an idiot.
During work hours and I'm paid for it? I go unless there's an actual reason that I can't. I'm being paid for it, and if an employer is going out of their way, least I can do is show up.
I don't know if you should feel pressure to go. It helps develop office rapport, but I also feel like if you have good rapport with your team and your immediate manager, you should be ok. If there's upper management going to some of these happy hours, it might be wise to just pop in every so often to make yourself known to them.
That way I'm not cast as "anti-social" and I don't let people start to expect me to go to each one.
Useful excuses coughliescough
- a simple, "sorry, I already have plans."
- friend or family member in from out of town
- oh, I've got <some exercise class or hobby> tonight
One company (Intel) did have a bunch of "team-building exercises" where we'd go play laser tag, or go to lunch together when a coworker was leaving the team, but that's it, and all those things were held during work hours (and considered work time), and paid for by the company. There were complaints in some departments and groups about having to work extra hours in order to compete with other employees in the year-end ranking/rating, but I never saw anyone expected to put in unpaid time after work for merely socializing. I also never saw it in a bunch of other companies I worked in.
If this is something that happens at all in the US, I'd expect it with Silicon Valley start-ups, but I don't know because I've never worked at one of those.
If it's a regular thing like say Friday every other week I don't think people will care a whole lot if you skip but if it's an occasion where you just finished a project or you are celebrating with another company I would suggest going just so it doesn't come across as being rude unless you can come up with a really good excuse such as "I would but I kind of promised I would take the kids to see XYZ tonight at the theater".
Anyway that's my limited experience 2cents.
The worst part was: it was an awesome team.
But when I was working, I always have 110% - and by the end of the day I was tired.
I wanted to go home and relax - being in a crowded, noisy bar was the LAST place I wanted to be.
I felt it always came off as anti-social, but I was really just tired.
Events outside work hours and the associated obligation to go was my #1 annoyance about working a full time job
I've gone out drinking/movie watching/pool playing just to hang out with co-workers, but those were not by any means company-involved events. Just things we did to have fun. And they weren't even remotely mandatory or expected.
It's way down on the list of my concerns as a dev.
Plus, bars are not conducive for my (addiction) recovery.
Or rather, I don't feel obligated to attend all or even most of them. I do try to attend once a quarter or so as a way of expressing that I'm not above socializing with my teammates, just busy.
Where I work in the UK it's common to socialise after work with colleagues (I'd rather call them friends) regularly after work. It's not usually sponsored by the employer and we rarely talk about work or our workplace unless something noteworth is happening there. It's not just current colleagues either. People who have moved on in their employment don't cease being friends.
However, my cousin works in the USA (not SV) and has met with frustration in trying to organise after-work activities as people there do not seem comfortable socialising with their workmates. To me, that's a shame, but I can understand that some like to keep their business lives apart from their social lives.
Now, if it's during work hours, if it's some kind of "team-building exercise" or some such, then yes, you should go. On your own time, though? On your time you do what you want.
In other jobs there's no obligation to go, and the employers often understand, particularly when the jobs have very low pay.
Our happy hours happen once each month and I've never been pressured to attend even when external guests are expected.
They know I have kids and my commute can be a half an hour or so; they understand.