Forgiving: What, Why, How (A Practical and Theoretical Approach) | Hacker News Reader

Forgiving: What, Why, How (A Practical and Theoretical Approach)

zacharyburt.com

47 pointszackattack9 comments

good article.

I have extensive experience with this topic, having once held a grudge against my dad for over 15 years.

My dad stopped living with us when I was 15 due to problems with my mom. He still visited all the time and they actually got back together later.

And I understood all the circumstances, even back then. But for some reason, I was very angry with him about it. And I was not alone; I have siblings that are still angry with him now, over thirty years later.

It was very painful for both of us. Every time I'd go home, there'd be constant tension. If he answered the phone when I called, I asked for Mom right away.

I can't recall the catalyst but 10 or 15 years ago, I decided to let this anger go. Things normalized and the tension evaporated. I even told my dad that I loved him. We even started hugging.

I guess I realized that he was never going to do whatever it was I thought he should to make up for his failures.

Ironically, it was only after this that we had conversations about why other siblings were angry. I suggested that he apologize to them. And he did!

After this, he called me up and said that he realized that he had not apologized to me and he did so.

I can't help but think that if I hadn't let this go, I would have never gotten this apology.

Today, my dad is in a nursing home and slowly losing all ability to experience the world. But he is at peace, finally, with what is happening and with me. Something I never thought I'd see.

That's quite a story. My own dad died before we got around to that and it's been bugging me for years.

Good to see it worked out for you and that there is a good end to it.

Thanks.

I think the important thing is where you are.

Obviously it would have been great if you could have told him you forgave him.

But that doesn't mean you can't make peace with yourself. You probably did the best you could.

On a side note, while I enjoy the hacker discussions at HN, I thoroughly enjoy articles such as these that can contribute to my emotional health.

I have a tendency to get hung up on relationship issues (both with others and how I treat myself) and through years of therapy, recent meditations, and taking a vow to be emotionally transparent (I try never to lie about what my thoughts are to anyone that asks regardless of possible repercussions), I think I am healing slowly.. I've also made some recent breakthroughs with a couple of books that I have read that have lead to improvements in my quality of life.

As as my mental health improves I'm beginning to have intermittent days of creative bursts. And I feel king of my own little world once again.

Would you mind sharing what books you've been reading ?

_Conscious Loving_ ( http://amzn.to/cAzbRM ) and _Undefended Love_ ( http://amzn.to/c45k4L ) have by far had the biggest impact on me. Personal relationships are definitely my biggest challenge. Already one divorce. :(

Both books essentially have the same premise but explore it in different ways. The theory that intimacy is born out of telling what CL calls "the microscopic truth" where _all_ details are revealed.

"If you want a long-term relationship that's both close and creatively vital, you have to become emotionally transparent. To go all the way to ultimate closeness and full creative expression, you must eliminate all barriers to speaking and hearing the truth about everything." -- Gay Hendricks

But the truth is not accusing. You state what is going on within you. You describe your thoughts, feelings, your tensions, because that is what you own and that is what you can accurately describe. Everything else is probably just opinion or projection. Stating your feelings within is unarguable, it's your truth.

But it goes so much deeper. They talk about exploring reoccuring patterns where there is tension. I've noticed that everytime someone haltingly raises their voice, my shoulders automatically tense up. I think this is a pattern I learned very early on in my childhood from my dad screaming for no apparent reason. I am only now beginning to see it unfold.

Facing and telling the truth takes courage.

I've told my girlfriend that I find other women attractive. I told my girlfriend that I slept with someone else when we first started dating. In the end I believe she respects me more for telling her. At least the emotional "memory leak" has been cleaned up and I no longer have to suppress those thoughts or conjure up lies surrounding those circumstances.

"5 Secrets to Lasting Love" http://web.archive.org/web/20080316082737/http://www.lifecha...

You described pretty well the kind of thing I went through several years back. It really changed my life in every way possible for the better.

Stick with it. It's tough sometimes, but it'll only get better!

EDIT: I recommend starting with "Wherever You Go, There You Are" -- then following up with "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron, be sure to get the audiobook AND the paperback. Really listen to it/read it. Then any book that teaches you to be responsible for yourself, you can pick from a million, straight up from Thoreau.

I don't agree with 100% transparency of every little thing in relationships, but I believe that feeling that you COULD is critical. Learning that you don't have to hide who you are, that you can form relationships by being open, is tremendously liberating.

What a really nice piece of writing Zachary, it took me a long time to read because it's pretty complex and you've done a lot of background research on the topic, but it was definitely worth the time.

Thanks!

I agree. It is energy consuming to feel morally responsible for everyone/everything but just the same can be said about being dismissive. Irresponsibility for one's self makes this into a paradoxical binary choice. Eradicate judgement and the need for forgiveness goes with it.

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