> The logic of the nuclear war is: "if the rockets come to you, you have to send yours to them, because otherwise they won!" -- they think it's better that the civilization gets wiped out than to appear to be a "chicken." Even a kind of semi-automated response surely exists.
The semi-automated response is a good thing, it makes your commitment to retaliate even more certain.
This is because the enemy is typically expected to be aware of your capability, rational, and selfish. If they know that you won't fire the rockets back in response, they CAN win, and they might use their weapons. If they won't win, they won't fire the rockets in the first place.
Now, to be precise, the important part of the scheme is only that the enemy thinks you will fire the rocket. After the rockets are launched towards you, it doesn't matter anymore, and yes, you could (and should) nobly self-sacrifice your nation so that humanity survives. But any suggestion or expectation that this will happen makes it more likely that the enemy will call your bluff and destroy you.
Honestly, with this logic in consideration, it makes me wonder if some of the rumors and leaks about how close we have been to launching counterattacks are fabricated. Though given the risk of espionage, it's probably safer to simply not bluff.
All this falls apart if the enemy is either unaware of or disbelieving in your retaliation, so they might fire their missiles expecting you to not fire back. Or if they're irrational, failing to understand that they will not win. Or if they're not selfish (perhaps the scariest of the possibilities): Perhaps because they are suicidal, which could be considered a sub-class of irrational. Or because they think you will not retaliate against them, instead retaliating against someone else: For example, if through subterfuge the US could fire Pakistani missiles at North Korea, not being dissuaded by North Korea's retaliation against Pakistan because the destruction would be on a different continent, or for example the military or political leadership initiating the attack are in another country, or better yet, on another planet) and not personally harmed by their own country being destroyed.
I completely agree that the world would be a safer place if these weapons did not exist. Unfortunately, they do, and we're neither able to modify physics so that they don't, nor to unanimously agree that no use them, so we're stuck with this sub-optimal equilibrium.