Tied in Knots: The modern marriage is an elaborate feat of performance

I started to write a comment and decided to move it here since I'm talking about the "feeling betrayed" quote as well. It seems the reviewer didn't understand the passage, but I felt like I have a direct experience that relates. I once gifted my wife with a coupon for a relaxing child-free night out by herself that resulted in a fight. It became clear that she was felt I wanted her to "go away". My wife is not particularly narcissistic and their are other issues at play, but I think it's easy for some people to get their identity and self-worth tied too closely to being married (Good Mother, Good Husband, Happily Married, etc.). When something (like having separate addresses) challenges these assumptions about the relationship, it's hard for people outside the relationship to understand (as indicated by the reviewer). When you are inside the relationship, you can lose yourself to these roles and when the other person doesn't fit them, it can feel like a devaluation of your self coming directly from the other person. That's how she felt in that moment and that's how I read the quote. Maybe we're too abstract or simple or intellectual. Evaluating our feelings in attempts to not repeat fights in the marriage has led to these types of abstractions as rules-of thumb or codes-of-conduct. Learned laws of living together.