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A polished desktop experience and the abilty to run almost all video games are two big reasons people will jump through hoops to get a Windows copy.

Exactly this. When I use a Linux desktop I notice some micro-lag when using applications. Windows desktop feels much smoother.

Have you tried disabling any compositor?

Honestly I know enough to install and update Linux but after that I'm lost. I don't even know what a compositor is.

To anyone with these problems: try Solus. It's far better than ubuntu (benchmarked), has almost no papercuts, and it runs games quite ok.