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Comment by antome | Hacker News Reader

Precisely this. A common piece of advice I hear for people entering a new city for a new job with no one you know around, is to regularly engage in some hobby/activity that brings you in contact with mostly the same people. That could be a baking class, a cycling group, a board-game club, or all sorts of other things. There are a surprising number of possibilities if you actively seek them out.

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This is true. However, it becomes more difficult if the hobbies you're interested in tend to attract a type of person that you don't mesh with very well. You can't really become close friends with people whose company you don't enjoy.

This was a strange realization for me as I "aged".

How can I have so much in common with a person, yet completely dislike them?

Interesting. Can you give an example of a hobby you have that tends to attract people who you don't tend to gel with (for whatever reason)?

Not op, but

Computing events (so many stereotypically smelly antisocial people)

Fight sports (many wannabe criminals and general low lifes)

Ecological gardening (lots of self righteous hippies)

Then again, I guess if there are so many people I'm not fond of interacting with, maybe it's not them...

(to be fair there are also people in the above groups that are normal, but they're minorities)

So true, same for me. Either the topic is interesting, or the people. But rarely both match.

The problem with publicly advertised meetups is the selection effect - they tend to be patronized by people who lack the social skills to make friends.

Of course there are also people with social skills who attend those meetups, because e.g. they're just new in town, but if they meet some other people with social skills they will probably become friends with them, start organizing private meetups, and drop out of the public ones.

This has been my observation as well, having attending such events off and on over the years as I moved between cities. The more extroverted people connected with each other and were never to be seen again after one or two events, leaving the shy/awkward around as regulars.

In bigger cities, though, there's a constant influx of new arrivals so it's not so bad.

The more extroverted people do connect,make friends, and go on dates. This can be really frustrating it is mostly a matter of taking oneself out of the "comfort zone" be that work/church/school/basement and going out into the real world to talk to people.

It is not comfortable, but you will regret more not attending an event than if you did. It took one or two times of realizing that "I'm tired" at the end of the week was no excuse to avoid making friends.

You have to go out there and meet people, they don't necessarily have the will to meet you.

I would not tell the parent how they will feel. For myself, I have been actively attending meetups and other events as a way to meet people for about a decade. At the beginning I forced myself to go, even if I doubted I would enjoy it. And sometimes I would make friends and get dates.

But eventually I realised I mostly regretted attending. Sure, you can meet people, but it's a setting that creates an initial bad impression and with people who are probably a bit socially awkward. Doing the initial greeting stuff got really old (job, home country, etc...) and most people were uncomfortable skipping it.

So now I never go to events to meet people. I only go if I would go anyway, because I'm curious enough or know I will enjoy myself. That's my recommendation, anyway.

I find this. Also, the people with social skills may only attend a couple of times, then stop, while other people carry on going for years.

This seems to often be a problem with public board gaming groups -- they get filled with players with antisocial tendencies, who scare off any new players.

It seems to me to come from a difference in priorities. I'll try something because I want a new experience, whereas the people who maintain the subcultures are there because they want to receive the social capital that goes along with being the best in their group.

> Can you give an example of a hobby you have that tends to attract people who you don't tend to gel with (for whatever reason)?

Photography. I love the image making and the enjoyment of the subjects, but most of the photographers I've met through clubs / trips seem more motivated by having the latest kit. Which isn't me at all.

Cycling (road-bike).

Group-led scuba diving.

LAN parties and most CS-related events do this for me.

Because having things in common with a person is just nice, it doesn't really mean you'll like them. People you like are more often people who complement you, rather than people who are like you.

https://www.facebook.com/webcomicname/photos/a.6861272548726...

Maybe that indicates you should develop another hobby you have some interest in but more importantly where you like the typical person who seems to be attracted to said hobby.

We are all multifaceted people and we often don't acknowledge that. Even Richard Feynman played the bongoes.

Where do you even find these activities in the average small to medium town? I can find a few now that I'm in a "large" city after moving abroad, but these options were generally few when I lived in the states.

Except: Church organizations. And it seems such organizations prefer that you are also Christian or are willing to fake it.

Furthermore, the poorer one is, the less likely one can take advantage of these things, especially in a town of around 50k or less.

50k is not a small town to me; where I am from in towns of 50k there is everything to make friends very fast. Maybe it is different in the US, not sure.

I have lived the past 13 years in 3 tiny towns (under 100); just go to the bar every night. Made both good shallow and good deep friendships like that while I was over 30 most of that time. Mind you that was in another country with another language than my native. Personally I get depressed by big cities much faster; people I met when living in those are far (acting) busier and so need to keep things shallow.

Also, I seem to have some thing that people find weird; I can make and sustain deep friendships via internet chat alone. I have friends I speak to every day, who would do anything for me and I for them who I do not even know what their voice sounds like. I have started, ran and sold companies with friends who I have never seen or voice chatted to.

10 years ago it was bulletin boards in your local supermarket and bulletin boards in the sports halls. Coffee shop notice boards. Library notice boards. Not sure if they're still used.

The digital equivalent of those places are Facebook groups. meetup.com, although their mobile redesign is a complete joke. Linked in groups. In the UK we have gumtree, probably Craigslist in the US. There's probably more, just sounds like you never looked.

You're looking for digital bulletin boards for your area, groups need new blood as much as you want to find them, you've just got to look.

Plus, of course, the local college night classes.

I just searched meetup for my costal corner of a home town of 20k in the UK and it had a bunch of meetups nearby, so it's pretty easy to find stuff.

It's a good advice. Although, I noticed if you aren't performing well your chances to get new friends in hobby societies are lower. Especially in team activities, like volleyball. So it probably makes sense to choose a society for a hobby that you're good at.

Another observation -- finding new friends usually requires spending money for social activities. That's OK, but one has to be ready to spend more money than usually. I'm not saying that "free" activities never work. It just gives you fewer chances.

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