I will talk to a friend about a problem only if they can help solve it. I have absolutely no desire to try to get empathy or sympathy.
Huh. I find that talking to many and sundry friends about problems helps me to understand the problem. Something about refining how I articulate the issue helps me organize it in my mind, which in turn informs any action I may take.
If its "I have bone cancer and I'm doing to die in a few years" there's nothing your friends can do to solve the problem.
I'm much the same way. It can make relationships hard. I have to remember that women typically get mad at me if they tell me of troubles and I try to help them solve them. I have to remember they only want sympathy, not a solution, no matter how simple the solution might be.
She responded by telling me that whenever anyone comes to me with problems, I try to give them an answer (why else would they be coming to me, right?!?). She told me people don't always want solutions to their problems, they just want someone to listen to them. She didn't apply this to only girls, as some guys I know seem to deal with their problems in the same way. This is something I still don't really understand but this article sheds a little light on the subject.
This isn't confined to boys and girls. Imagine parents saying -- "Kids! Do X! It is good for you!" The response is of course "but you don't understand me!"
This is the problem. It's hard to hear advice from someone you don't think understands you. For whatever reason, boys in this culture have a lower threshold for giving advice (though who knows who's more likely to actually take it).
The process of being listened to isn't mere venting. Being able to tell your story helps you to understand it. The solutions you come to will be your own, and you'll feel more confident about enacting them. Hardly anyone follows advice anyway; the storytelling and listening process seems just as a effective as a collective decision making strategy as giving advice directly.
To take this a step further, one can actively listen. By asking the right questions (frequently, posing them in an open ended way; using the word "how" is effective), you can encourage the person to examine their problem from a different perspective. The other benefit is that you gain a better understanding as a result.
Therapists commonly use this approach.
This is a matter of points of view - for men (esp. programmers) problem solving POV is the default, but they can switch to just listening from time to time, if the women doesn't charge them responsible for these problems.
It works the other way too - if some "on the spot advice" slips from me when I listen to my wife she shouldn't be angry - I didn't meant to dismiss her, sometimes I just can't help it.
A little understanding and everything is much simpler.
How can you determine if he can solve it without talking to him about it first?
Also, are you implying that you'd like to work out a solution for your broken fishing boat? :)