> I don't need to hear compliments on what's right... just what can be improved.
I used to say the same thing, but now I think I was wrong. I didn't want to hear compliments on what's right. But I did need it. Focusing on negatives helped me reduce error rates. But ignoring the positives limited my ability to grow.
What got me to slowly switch was learning about appreciative inquiry. It's a practice of focusing strongly on the good aspects of something and seeking to amplify them. I looked into it because a team I was working with had these brutally negative retrospectives. They were in a rut of flagellating themselves every week about all their failures. They were a great team, but weren't performing well because they became gradually more stressed and discouraged. And after I saw that in them, I eventually saw it in myself, too.
I'm now 6 or 7 years into consciously switching approaches and I'd never go back. Just today I was pairing with a younger programmer, and we even took some time to appreciate their anxiety. That fear of failing was causing them a lot of problems, but instead of asking them not to worry, I asked them to channel their anxiety into areas where it was useful, like writing good tests.
That said, I'm with you on not wanting "nice" versions of things, which I see as a social performance, and not actual kindness.