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I've tried :(

My skin and facial hair suck. The only razors I can shave with comfortably are Gillette Fusions. I know that they're incredibly overpriced, but the big package from Costco lasts me a year. I still get some mild irritation occasionally (even on the first shave with a fresh cartridge). I'm considering some form of permanent removal for my facial hair because it looks terrible and I will never grow it out under any circumstances.

You tried DE and it didn't work? I'm a little surprised. Men have been using DE razors for generations (they first came out in WWI). Are you sure you just didn't give yourself enough time to learn to do it right? Also, there's different blades out there, and different razors, some more aggressive than others. Many recommend getting a variety pack of blades and trying them all to see which work best for you, and many have serious preferences for the razor (handle) too, because their design and the distance between the safety bar and the blade can have a huge impact.

Which is exactly what I did.

or straight razor. No more blades to replace.