Comment by jacquesm | Hacker News Reader

Comment by jacquesm | Hacker News Reader

hey ptn,

What are you afraid of that makes you so shy ?

People rejecting you or ridiculing you ?

Is there something in your past that made you decide to 'play it safe' ?

The instrument thing I can completely relate to, I used to play the saxophone (I managed to blow a small hole in one lung so not any more), and I really didn't dare to play it in front of others, I felt completely naked doing that.

And then one day a guy I knew in Amsterdam changed that, he played as well and said, come, the weather is good, let's go outside and play. He was way better than I was and there was no way I was going to be caught dead playing out in the street (Amsterdam, so you're pretty much assured an audience).

But he kept on needling me until I gave in, one song only. So we went out and played that one song. One song became 10 and before long I really enjoyed it, even if I never played outside again I did lose my shyness about that.

With people in conversation it is a different thing, writing is a lot easier than speaking because when you write you can re-read your words before you click that 'submit' or 'reply' button and that gives you some time to get your thoughts in proper order.

People that are good at 'thinking on their feet' usually have less of a problem with interacting with others than those that need to think for a bit.

I really suggest you read darkxanthos' blog posts about all this, he has a way with words that I can't hope to match and his experiences are chronicled in a way that you actually get something from it that you can use.

There is this song called 'sunscreen', one line in it stands out for me: Do something that scares you every day.

best of luck!

Jacques

I second looking at darkxanthos' blog posts about his experiences with "social skydiving": http://socialskydivingwithjustin.posterous.com/social-skydiv...

Thanks for posting that - i enjoyed the read.

People don't ridicule me now, but they used to, up until I was 16 or so. That's probably it.

Ok. So, here is my take on that:

Kids are cruel, but they grow up to become adults and those adults can be just as cruel, only they're more clever about it. It never goes away, unfortunately. Pettiness seems to be somehow part and parcel of groups of people.

You have to have a fairly tough skin to get around, and one of the things that being shy is a real problem with is that it opens you up to people that 'use' you simply by being normal to you, they might gain an edge that way.

I've been on the receiving side of that twice, always looking for that pat on the head or if someone is simply nice to me I'll nearly kill myself to please them. It's a weak point in my character.

The cruelty you can learn to deal with, the other part I'm not so sure. Every time something like that happens it dents my self confidence for years.

Still, like that famous ancient story, this too shall pass, and in the end whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, sometimes much stronger.

I'm going to make a really weird suggestion: forget about a startup or something like that for now, go and do some volunteer work for a while.

It's two birds with one stone, it will have a real and measurably positive impact on peoples lives which will help you to build confidence and it will cure your shyness like nothing else can because it reverses the usual role patterns that you fall in to.

A friend of mine from Canada did that in order to find a way to deal with the aftermath of a car accident she was in, it worked very well for her, I figure it should help you deal with your shyness for much the same reasons.

There are always people below you on the ladder, simply being confronted with a lot of real world hardship will help to give you the tools with which to deal with your own, and will put you in a position of having to deal with people on a daily basis.

I think you nailed it with the volunteering work. That sure sounds like it would help, it would really get my out of my comfort zone.

The thing you should realise is that everyone suffers that. Your not unique in being insecure a d ridiculed as a teenager :-)

(figuring that out helped me a lot)

  What are you afraid of [..]

This is the question that you need to keep asking yourself. What are you affraid of? Once you've described it: is that fear reasonable? If it isn't, where does it come from? When you feel the fear, go through this process and explain to yourself that it doesn't make sense and that it has roots in irrational expectations. Be very specific, describe distinct things you are affraid of and the ways in which you fear they could hurt you. I do this every time I find myself being reluctant to do something. Basically every time I feel I have to pick up the phone to get something done. Along the way, you discover interesting things about yourself and about others.

I suffer some shyness.

Where it gets in the way most is telephone calls. Mostly I'm fine on the phone but sometimes I'll procrastinate so much, because I'm anxious about making a phone call, that it will impact my work or social life quite negatively. Unfortunately that stress works against the situation.

My point however is that there is nothing rational in this it is like an occasional phobia. The fear doesn't come from anywhere, it just appears.

It's possible that this anxiety is due to being chastised heavily for not taking phone messages well as a child.

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