Comment by meric | Hacker News Reader

Comment by meric | Hacker News Reader

Quit. Screw programming. Screw being a tech lead. Screw managing products. Screw moving the needle. Screw trying to be competent and/or being effective. Screw trying to figure out how to continue working. Screw retirement. Screw finding interest and meaning in life. Screw this anxiety. Screw trying to do justice to things. Screw figuring out what's going on. Screw figuring out what you should or shouldn't do. Screw worrying how much money you have and how long that will last you. Your anxiety tells me you don't want to worry about things, but you do. So don't. Screw it all.

Pack your things. Fly to another random place on Earth. Roll a dice if you have to. Figure it out from there. Your only mission - screw the rest of the world and enjoy yourself.

If you are anxious about permission. Here, I give it to you.

Here's a piece of advice I tell myself every time I feel like you do: "Forget all preconceptions. About myself, about the world. Just wing it. If everything falls about, let it fall apart. Screw it. I'm a man, I'll live. Fun. Remember, fun."

You don't want to kill yourself. You want to kill your idea of who you are. Let the idea of you die, but you? You live and go on living.

OP might have a family to take care of. Saying "screw it" is a luxury that many of us don't have.

Personally, this sounds like the black dog of depression to me. Modifying your environment and work position may or may not help. My advise is to maybe try some professional counseling first so OP can get some help in working it out.

Yeah, it sounds a bit extreme - but the point is once we're let go of everything, we get a clear idea of what needs doing, and what we need to leave behind. Last time I did it I figured out what I wanted to do in two days.

The table's a mess. We're having a hard time figure out how to rearrange it. So, the "stranger" tells you to tip it all on the floor, you, not sure what happens when you do it, does it, and after a few moments, whatever we really need back on the table, we will pick it up, despite what the "stranger" says. We end up with what we really want, and everything else on the floor.

Sometimes family is really hurting ourselves, and it can be a wise choice to screw them and leave. A close relative of mine killed himself after years of emotional abuse from his mother. That's stuff that's happened to me before, and if, to survive, I have to leave whoever it is to sink or swim, then screw them. My survival and sanity is of prime importance. Sometimes, taking care of family is a luxury we can't afford.

I agree with Meric - it's mostly about fighting the inner Deamons. At first one deamon feeds you with doubt: "oh, you are such a pathetic piece of shit, you're a bad programmer, bad worker, you don't know enough", and then, when you want to change, another deamon: "oh you can't change, you are weak, you are too stupid" and "you have the mortgage, wife, your children's education". And then you start to hate yourself and have suicidal thoughts because the deamons make your life miserable. Meric is right in that you really don't have to do anything or be anything. You are not your work, and you are not your family. You can divorce, change jobs, change places, and you are allowed to fail.

Most importantly: you are the most precious person to yourself, love this guy.

Try maybe to realise that your existencial fears come from all past failures and dangerous situations, your limbic system just attacks you with the scarry visions, because this is what it evolved for: "see the tiger, recognize threat, run!" You could then do it like Zen buddhists: "I see the feeling coming, I look at it, I observe it, I know where it comes from, and I gracefully let it go".

> Fly to another random place on Earth. Roll a dice if you have to.

If you happen to roll Syria or Eastern Ukraine, roll again.

I guess Ukraine is quite fine, Syria perhaps not. I have always wanted to live in a European country for a while. I have spent a few years in the US and liked it (Not an American). I feel Denmark, Germany or Norway are places I would love to stay and work. That's actually something I would be excited about.

The reporting on the war in Eastern Ukraine is trending down in most of Western media, while the actual war is not. I'd advise against going there without at least doing solid research (the rest of Ukraine is fine).

As for living in other countries, IMO the best thing you can do is - pick a low cost of living country with people and climate that suit you, and work remotely. Even if you start with zero savings, you'll be able to retire in 5-15 years.

No doubt. I am just comparing Syria with Ukraine :)

You have a 2/3 chance of choosing open ocean which is much much worse.

That's a bit radical, given my risk appetite. It will take energy equal to splitting the nucleus of an atom to make me do it. I am not sure if I'll be able to. But if could I will definitely.

Thanks for your kind words.

Your answer reminds me of the film Trainspotting.

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