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Comment by wallflower | Hacker News Reader

I know that feeling well. Like what am I doing here? Why does everyone know everyone here? Where the pain of going up to a group outweighs the possible benefit of networking..

I used to use the advanced wallflower technique - e.g. stand close but not too close to a group to make it seem like you belong - if the group moves on, go to the next group.

Don't get it as much now. Practice. And there are several simple and/or silly techniques that make a huge difference. Silly or simple as they may be. Here's one: talk to people who are standing by themselves, chat and then (this is key) tell them 'i'd like to go meet that group over there. let's go"

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This is one of the reasons that I'm planning on having a get together the night before Startup school. That way, if people want to, they can have a chance to get together and meet each other in a smaller group before the big event the next day.

I'll keep people posted, and start a Meetup group on Meetup.com pretty soon.

Exactly! Please share the techniques. If you are uncomfortable mentioning them here, I am kirubakaran->gmail.

No problem. I've absorbed the following techniques from a wide range of sources (blogs to books to observing my savvy natural networking friends).

Please share your own observations or techniques (i'm not an expert - I just paint myself as one in news.yc land)

1. On your way to the event, choose to smile and say hi to almost everyone you pass. The first ten may not even register a response but once you get to thirty or event twenty hellos, people start to sense your warmness (you're warmed up socially)

2. When you get to the event, pause in the entrance for at least 10 seconds.

3. Silly technique but don't diss it until you try it. When you walk into an unfamilar room, make friends with it. Say (silently) 'Hello wall, nice to meet you. Hello table. how are you" Later you can extend this to (silently) sending out 'Hello person - it's nice to meet you' as you walk around the room.

4. Do not walk around with a drink. Keep your hands free. Walking around with a drink or worse a plate and a drink is like a 'don't bother me. i'm busy feeding myself' Put down your drinks/food and be open.

5. Talk to single individuals and bring them into a group with you (Do not say: "Nice meeting you. Talk to you later" - that could make a temporary enemy, Say: "I'd like to go talk with that group over there." (if they don't want to, then you can gracefully leave the singleton)

6. Remember names. Google will show you that there are many memorization techniques to do this. Some are pretty outrageous. All require practice (especially the visual mnemonic ones). All require hearing the name in the first place.

7. Wear your nametag (if there is one) on the right. Wearing it on the right lets another person see the nametag easier, during a handshake (assuming right-to-right)

8. You're not there to chat 30 minutes with a stranger (unless you want to). Mingling is not standing by the bar talking with one or two people. You're not there to build relationships (that's not possible) - if you enjoy talking with someone - get their contact info at the peak of the conversation.

9. Here's an example for holiday parties. The whole idea is to transition from (something shared) the environment to (you and your conversation partner) personal. A: 'Nice food' B: 'How are you enjoying the party' C: 'I like Holiday parties because' D: 'I'm looking forward to visiting my family in X during' E: 'What are your holiday plans'

10. Don't use close-ended questions. 'Are you having a good time'. That's boring. That's lame. Instead try making statements 'I like how that buffet line is as packed as I-280'

11. Follow up within 24-48 hours. For real bonus points, hand-write and mail an actual note in the postal mail.

(advanced) 12. You have to show initiative and commitment. If you walk up with a lame 'How are you?' you'll get a tepid response. However, if you walk up with a 'Nice to meet you. I'm wallflower' and the feeling like you already know them/they're good friends, then wow can happen

(Super-advanced) 13. Work the room like you own the place. The most natural and savviest of my friends do this. Confidence and a smile are the best icebreaker, not alcohol.

These are completely new to me. Thanks a lot.

These are great! Thank you.

I especially like #6. It's only data and it goes a long way.

This reminds me of a business workshop for hackers that I once went to. At exactly 9:00, all 20 of us were at our seats reading the workbook. The teacher entered the room and said, "If you people are interested in building your businesses, you obviously need to be here. Now close those books and get up and meet each other."

Great tips. I have heard the one about wearing your nametag on your right side. Not something you would ever think about unless you were told.

I find a good way is just to introduce yourself to people.

"Hi, my name is Dennis"

.. works for me. :D

Wow, that makes me nervous just reading it.

Great list, yo. I especially like #1. Hadn't thought about it, but I bet it would work.

While a lot of these are good behavioral techniques to project confidence, for the long term there is no substitute to create a healthy self-image that just makes you very cool to be around without even trying. Just like we have an opinion about our friends, people at work and so on, we also have an opinion about ourselves, both at conscious and subconscious levels. A lot of happiness and events in life stems directly from what opinion you hold of yourself. And eventually that opinion leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy...i.e. if you think you are no good in a particular setting, it eventually becomes so. A strong self-image can totally turn around your relationship with other people, your work and environment

To get started, try the book Psycho-Cybernetics...it contains a treasure of information to be acted upon... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psycho-Cybernetics

Drinks are ok to hold, just do so at waist level so you don't look like you're shielding yourself. Most people hold them up higher. Drink at waist level signals that you're relaxed, confident, and not a puritan or opposed to fun.

Small amount of alcohol is helpful in that sort of situation, more is harmful. Better to go dry if you don't know your range well (or if you're attending functions frequently, don't want a bad habit to form) but a little inhibition-loosening is almost always a good thing. If you're slurring speech or dropping things you've gone too far.

Name remembering thing is huge. If you forget though, just own up. Most people are understanding, since they generally forget them too. Unless like I once did you find yourself on date 3 and still not knowing. In that case it's time for some snooping. Junk mail saved the day.

...or just go to a lot of events alone, and get used to chatting to people. It can be intimidating at first, but it's no different to most other new situations - with experience comes confidence. For most people socialising with like-minded people will come fairly naturally.

Being an Aussie, I've always found the natural way to break the ice at American social events is to walk up and to give out a simple "Gday" with my accent - you guys always get a kick out of it. Combined with an offering of my hand for a handshake, it works for me. Think about what might work for you.

Expanding on number 4 - Body language is important, if you want to give the idea that you're open to communication (for mingling) then people need to visually see that.

One of the things I do is make sure I have some 'canned' conversations in my head before I approach someone. This helps me keep my confidence up, because I know that I at least have something interesting to talk about. Try and keep it contextually relevant and appropriate for the function you're at :)

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