I recognize that this is a joke, in the words of the OP. However I think SPA-type port knocking is completely legitimate, and I second the use of fwknopd. I depend on fwknopd a lot, so if that is not secure idea, I would like someone to point that out to me. NOTE that fwknopd does not depend on expecting a client to connect to a short sequence of different port numbers. That is not what fwknopd does, at least not the latest fwknopd. Instead, fwknopd listens for an encrypted packet on a specified port, which it will not acknowledge. The firewall does not allow the packet through, technically speaking. But fwknopd recognizes the arrival of the packet by scanning logs when the firewall drops the packet and logs the dropped packet. etc. etc. If you know this type of fwknopd deployment and don't think it is a good idea, please comment.

Again, I am not taking the OP seriously, but I do take seriously that people either don't know about fwknopd, or maybe, don't think that is good security (in which case I want to hear from you).