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So I have no experience of this, and I'm perhaps being insensitive but...

Would it not have been possible to continue using your old name for legal purposes, and just use your new name in all other contexts?

I can certainly imagine various downsides of doing so, but if the name change process is that onerous, perhaps it might still have been better overall?

I'd never get anything done. The feeling is quite hard to explain to cis people. But I'll try anyway. So you're trapped in a life that you don't want to live in. You've been trapped in there for too long. When you finally step out, you need to fight your outside world. But despite doing the right things and hurting nobody in the process, some of the outside world fights against you. You hate it. You feel patronized every time that happens. You're not the free person anymore that you used to be.

[This might be possible to deal with for some other trans people. Some have both boy and girl mode where they switch. My mind is not up to that because one side of it is a lie]

I suppose what I'm imagining is that you would treat it as a legacy identifier for legal purposes, and you'd only ever have to use it very infrequently for the benefit of bureaucrats. Like, that's just the string on your birth certificate, it doesn't define you as a person any more than your [relevant governmental ID number].

That said, I can certainly see how that could still be unpleasant, but to me, it sounds like the process you're going through at the moment is far more disruptive and unpleasant?

First of all, it's not that infrequently, if you add checking your bank account. That's one thing you do way more often if you are (self-)employed.

Problem is, seeing my old name might, if I'm in a very good mood not do anything, or if I'm in a not so good mood dig up/trigger my emotional trauma that sits deep inside of me. You couldn't understand how it feels like, assuming you're a cis person.

Trying to reason with logic does not work, this is an emotional issue. And it won't go away until I have eliminated the source of this problem. In addition, taking female hormones do make emotional issues more... intense.

My legal address is at my parents house. I had lived in 7 different houses since I lived there. Don't let a burocrat decide who you are or where you live! You are who you are.

Maybe you could write a browser extension that replaces your old name with your new name? I understand it would not fix the problem, but maybe make it a little bit easier. Also have you consider moving to a country that is more trans friendly?

Moving country is difficult. First, I'd need to change nationality, which is neither easy nor fast.

Then I have to see that I get my treatment continued in the other country. Hormones I'm getting paid, hair epilation I'm getting paid to half and my operation I'll get paid in Germany. But going to another country means I need to figure out how stuff goes, possibly get another therapist who knows about the process in that country, get the letters that I have either translated into their language or get new ones... it's not like there's any country that doesn't have a piece of doubt to any trans person unless you have lots of money and be able to pay it all yourself.

I'm cisgendered so I don't know what it's like for you. But I hear that you are saying this is difficult, and despite it being difficult for me to imagine, one thing I and others can do is take you at your word, as a person living your own life, and adult who is trying your best to be who you are.

It sounds like it must be constantly exhausting, mentally speaking. Like trying to get along in a country where you don't speak the language well and are struggling to learn it, when people tell you, "hey just learn to talk". Except the language is your body, your identity. But I'm just guessing, I don't know. In any case, I'm sorry things are difficult, and I hope you find success.

Is it the name change itself that's the source of the bureaucratic difficulty? Or is it the sex assignment M to F and F to M change what's instigating the problem?

Name change and gender assignment change is basically one thing in Germany after parts of the law got nullified. They required you to get sterilized before you could do the gender assignment change, before 2011.

Thank you for the insight, as a man I don't quite understand viscerally the struggles that trans folks face but I want to, and to help where I can. Even if that's just being a good listener and sounding board.

(By calling myself a man I mean no disrespect, that's who and what I am)

I have no idea what the laws are in Germany for contracting, but would it be possible to open up your own company and freelance through that? That way clients should should only have to deal with the business name not your personal name. This is relatively easy to do in the US, not sure about Germany though.

If you have a business in Germany, they require you do use your name on your passport. They require the name of the director on an "imprint" page on your website. Plus, obviously the costs of going to the notary when my name change goes through.

Holy shit. I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine what hell this must be. Is there no hope for change of the laws and how society deals with this?

The changing of the law is long overdue. Parts of it have been nullified by the highest German court in 2011 already. The conservatives probably won't do anything unless the EU forces Germany to update their laws.

Society is fine with it, with very few exceptions. As long as I don't include the right winged xenophobic/islamophobic idiots to society. Unfortunately they've gained a lot of strength lately.

The problem here is quite similar to the issue of marriage for all. Technically there is (probably) a majority for it but the CDU which is currently in government is against it.

Additionally there are other issues that are considered more important either because they're more popular or affect more people, so the SPD isn't willing to burn political capital.

Given the current political situation in Germany and more broadly in Europe, there won't be any policy change in this legislative period or the next, so at least ~5 years. In fact there is a risk the situation might get worse in the next legislative period. Hard to predict what will happen beyond that, a lot can happen in that timeframe, Merkel will probably retire and the political landscape could shift drastically in response.

What? Do you have to go to a judge if you want to change your name in general, or is there a special law that say that if you change your name to something differently gendered you need a judge?

I have a trans friend and the biggest name related problem E. had was getting a new user account at work (as far as I know anyway).

Changing your name in general is not easy in Germany. There is a short list of allowed reasons for doing so, each with its own process. Reasons would be things like: Marriage, gender change (in Germany at least one for your first names needs to indicate your gender), unfortunate or funny name, or at naturalization to make your name more German-sounding.

Outside of that it's almost impossible to change your name.

However, getting a stage name or artist pseudonym recognized is relatively easy. (But probably wouldn't help a transgender person feel better.)

By the way, I always wondered how Germany treats name changes in other countries.

I grew up in Germany. I live overseas now. I could change my name here relatively easily, I think. I wonder how hard it would be to get that recognized back in Germany.