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Comment by waimbes | Hacker News Reader

It's not about reminding people of a moral position, it's about making people feel bad about the situation they have put you in. If you serve meat to a vegetarian and they say "sorry I don't eat meat," you feel bad because you've put them in an uncomfortable position, and now you are concerned about whether they will be comfortable/have a good time. Same with drinking.

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The fact that someone who doesn't drink considers it a "moral decision" makes people uncomfortable as well. If it were just about preferring to drink or not, no one would care, but when it becomes about morals people who do choose to drink feel like they're being judged.

Often times it's the non-drinkers who imagine that it is a moral judgement when someone else doesn't drink. Perhaps this is because they secretly feel that they are making a wrong decision but are doing so because the group is all doing it together. They then see one person not drinking as an affront because deep down they are judging themselves.

If you are truly comfortable with your own decision to drink you will not see someone else's decision not to drink as a threat.

How uncomfortable with their decision to drink must be the people who downvoted you. They cant argue beacuse they know they are wrong. Intellectual cowardice, plain and simple.

No. Try to simply pass with a no thanks, and almost always you'll face a line of questioning as to why not. It's really annoying. Even if they respect your decision not to drink they still ask why. Some get frustrated too.

I've, fortunately, only ever experienced this a single time. From a coworker of the opposite gender who was already a few drinks in, at an event where I was the only person not drinking.

I've never suffered the line of questioning that people always talk about. Perhaps a single "Why?" which is easily answered with "Personal choice." And honestly, if you deviate from the "norm" a "why?" should be expected and factored into the decision.

There are other decisions where you can expect to be asked "Why?" For example:

I don't have a Facebook account. "Why?"

I don't watch movies/TV shows. "Why?"

It could be argued the "why" isn't important. The question isn't asked out of importance, but out of curiosity. They're curious why I made the decision I made, especially because it is an unpopular decision.

At least as often as not, people don't ask those "why?" type questions out of simple curiosity. In my experience, there's often a component of defensiveness, regardless of how you answer.

And saying that it's okay to be questioned for your choices just because they're not as common--I have to adamantly disagree.

I think this is it. I was an alcoholic for a couple of years after I graduated from university, and in that time period as well as the time period leading up to that (frequent casual alcohol consumption, but not quite alcoholism), I made a good deal of friends who were heavy drinkers. Since December, I've had one beer and one glass of bubbly. I've started turning down my friends who offer me a drink. At first, they were confused.

"Are you okay?" they'd ask. "Yeah, I just don't feel like drinking." Of course, I let them know that it doesn't bother me if they go ahead and have a few. Surprisingly (to me, anyway), after the first couple refusals, I've had several of them tell me that they were envious, and that they'd like to cut back on alcohol, too. I told them to just do it -- it's not hard, and once you get past the first couple of weeks (month tops), you don't even have that urge to drink anymore. This was fairly recent, so only time will tell if they actually follow through.

The main thing for me is that they clearly respect my decision not to drink, a few of them seem to even respect me more for turning them down. I think that'd be very different if I were to make them feel judged or inferior for their own choice to imbibe, however. People in that situation tend to get dismissive and start to mentally justify their own behavior. It can really make someone grumpy ;)

I find that it ironic, offering me meat or alcohol which I don't want doesn't make me feel bad at all, but expecting me to be very careful we with my words does. And it is very strange, this is all to ensure you don't learn something about me that might make you imagine I feel bad, which wouldn't even change the fact if I did feel bad and would make it likely to happen again.

Perhaps it is more a function of my age, but if the person was polite about it - but hadn't taken the time to inform me beforehand - then I'd be 'ah.. well, I wish you had told me. Anyway, please have some more brussel sprouts..." "Growing up" means learning to not be so porous to other people's emotional states.

It's really about the nature of the interaction that is the important thing. If they had told me beforehand, and I forgot.. then I'd feel bad. If they copped an attitude about their superiority, then I'd be dismissive of them. But their comfort / emotional state etc is entirely their responsibility as long as I fulfill my responsibility to make them feel welcome - and kowtowing to them is not part of that.

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