I'll probably be better after some more sleep, but I know the black dog and anxiety is always just around the corner. It makes it very hard to do anything let alone look for work. I really don't know how an already homeless person with a worse mental illness does it. I fear they could be the most capable person in the world, but if you hit a certain stage it's very hard to pick up from.
It not self-pity either. I constantly tell myself that the feeling isn't reality but just my brain being out of kilter temporarily. And I'm of course correct. But if your head isn't ordered, no amount of positive thinking is ever going to fix it. Sometimes all you can do is ride it out, but you can only do this if you have a safe place to sleep, eat and keep yourself clean. And that sure as hell isn't on the streets.
I hope that is never me, but sometimes I realise that I'm only a few steps removed from the situation of those without anything. That's why I get frustrated with so many attitudes towards homelessness and mental illness. Saying that it's there own fault isn't terribly helpful. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Maybe some homeless people choose to be homeless. Maybe some are lazy and got into the situation through their own behaviour. But I'll hazard a guess that isn't most people.
God help you if you ever hit rock bottom. God help you from the morally outraged, fit and wealthy self-made man. In his eyes, you're worse than a failure, you deserve your situation.