I can't speak to OneDrive, but it's clearly a problem. Unfortunately, I work in DevDiv, not Windows.
As far as Bash is concerned, I think "literally nothing works" is not fair. I helped with this release. I presented on it for 90 minutes this morning and installed and brought in build-essentials, worked on redis-server, g++, ruby, and it worked fine. Yes there's rough areas, but we can update it often with WU. Also, you're complaining about Trusty in the same breath as Bash on Windows. You'll be able to update to 16.04 later so that might help. And, you're certainly able to Hyper-V any Linux and SSH in as well.