Disclaimer: I'm the founder.
Hi! We search for fashion trends, evaluate their relative merits, and identify sets of clothing that score highly across several parameters: tight fit, color coordination with the significant other's wardrobe, and maximum display of wealth. We understand that it is critical for everyone to display more wealth than anyone else. So important that no expense should be spared, and no clothing should escape our evaluation, no matter who it belongs to or how private it is. We then share this information with our clients, in order to help them make important decisions in the morning. Let me tell you how we do this.
We start by preparing a big space to work in. This is quite a task in itself; connections must be established with real estate agents, warehouses must be leased, and specialised sorting equipment must be prototyped and then assembled in factories. It is important that all of the warehouses are shaped identically and arranged in a regular grid, with short straight roads directly connecting each block to local hubs, and each bug directly connected with roads that we have exclusive access to. We really want a dedicated highway for our fleet of trucks, but that will have to wait until we can convince our investors of the need to start building our own infrastructure; we just don't have the means to build a highway ourselves, yet. But being fashionable when we ask for big favours has been shown to increase the odds of success.
Much of the clothing that we need to compare, we can purchase in bulk from distributors. Their suppliers might not be happy to know that we are getting early access to one of everything, before it arrives in stores, but they don't need to know about that. Getting this early peek at emerging trends is worth a great deal to us. However, that only shows us what will become available to wear in the coming season, not what people are actually interested in wearing. For that, we need to see what real people are wearing, right now.
Convincing people to let us borrow their clothes isn't easy, even if they weren't going to wear it while we are evaluating it in the first place. They tell us it's creepy, that they have a right to look unique, and that this makes them worry that some day, they will be judged on something they wore a long time ago. It's best for everyone concerned, if the regular people just aren't aware when we borrow their clothes. We have developed some really remarkable systems for making that happen.
We start by grabbing their attention with some well placed stories, crafted to appeal to to people who dress a certain way, or at least, who were dressing a certain way the last time we analysed their wardrobe. These stories, that are seen by many people at the same time, give them something to group together and talk about, at work, over dinner parties, and at the pub. We can get agents into these groups, who can help everyone make friends with each other, and then steer the conversation towards a plan for an awesome party next weekend.
For everyone who accepts party invites, we take down their contact info, and a little other info that we tell them we need in order chauffeur them home when they're wasted, and schedule a job to intercept their wardrobe. Many people do not do their own laundry these days. They used to, but as the laundry-as-a-service industry has grown, people have just gotten lazy and lost that skill. These laundry services operate on razor thin margins, and are always looking for any way to make extra money. Many of them have to offer their services for free, in order to capture clients in markets that are dominated by others. In some areas, competition has driven the price of laundry service all the way to $0, permanently.
These laundry services are only too happy to have us return laundry to their clients, especially if we are the only ones who are actually willing to pay them for anything. This is something that doesn't take them any effort to give to us. But it is important that their clients can't tell that it is us doing it; those clients just don't want to have anything to do with people who have occasionally been caught red handed with clothes they shouldn't have. And that one weekend when someone tricked our drivers into diverting all of the clothes to Romania, that was bad. People were furious. I can't believe there were no legal repercussions from that.
Anyway, once we have clothes streaming in to the warehouses from all over the continent, the really interesting work begins. Dirty clothes and things that aren't really clothes are filtered out on arrival (how does that even happen?) Dangerous things wrapped in clothes are scanned by x-ray, and then handed over to an bomb squad (some people just like to break stuff). Then, thousands of workers make many passes over racks of clothes, each one looking for a particular feature, tagging the clothes that pass their checks. A hierarchy of analysts then passes along each row of racks, collecting statistics about the tags, and leaving a log at the end of the row. More analysts run down the end of each row, summing stats, and finally produce a warehouse report. Finally, the top analyst goes around gathering and combining the stats from all warehouses, and delivers a report to our wardrobe scientists, a day later. At that point, we can return the clothes, pack up the equipment, and release the leases on the warehouses.
These wardrobe scientists are super clever people. They can spot a correlation between the average thickness of clothing decreasing over the spring and the falling price of oil in the Middle East. By looking at the shapes of graphs of relationships in the data, they can even determine that people wearing thinning clothing are actually causing the price of oil to decrease in the Middle East! This is an incredibly valuable insight. It enables us to play the stock markets in ways that people without access to these clothes can't comprehend, until we walk away with a pile of fresh unicorn socks.
This is why it is important to know everything about everyone's clothes, all the time. We demonstrate our knowledge to potential investors, by wearing the clothing of tomorrow, today.
If you have are passionate about laundry on a massive scale, or enjoy wearing the trendiest clothes to parties and shaping the fascinating discussions of random groups of people, come check us out! We offer free lunches, prepared by world class chefs, unlimited paid vacation, and best of all, we have a fair sock sharing program in a rapidly expanding venture.