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"Of course, I have no idea how to CLOSE emacs, so I'll close the window. ;)"

What if you read the welcome screen, Mr. Scott ;) ?

"C-x C-c... what does that even mean?"

You have literally the answer in the welcome screen.

E37: No write since last change (add ! to override)

ZQ or ZZ

I always use :x

It was a joke. ;)