I design software, I code, test and deploy. They think my work is good. It doesn't matter. I work until I'm tired and then I sleep. I hide my tears from my family. There's no joy in any of these projects, and I've lost all interest in my past side projects. I work so much I barely see my daughters before they go to sleep. If I stop working we'll be bankrupt within months.
I was in a depressive state for close to twenty years. The loss of my mother at 10 put me there and instead of getting better I settled into my depression for the next twenty.
Twenty years.
I was irritable and emotional. I had few friends and I made the friends I did have pay for their mistake of being my friend. I made bad decisions and burned bridges. I drank too much. I had zero good romantic relationships and was getting worse. My career, the one good thing in my life, had stagnated. Nobody wants to work with an asshole.
SO one day, after breaking up with a girl, I finally decided to get help. I cried like a baby in the office of a therapist. She got me on medication and in four weeks I was a different person. I combined that drug therapy with talk therapy and completely turned my life around. It wouldn't be a stretch to suggest it's similar to hearing music for the first time or seeing color. I was able to smile and find joy in the world again. By almost every measure, my life improved. Things have only gotten better since then.
I want you to seek help. Make use of the opportunity to completely change the trajectory of your life by getting out of the mindset you're currently in. If you need medication, take it. If you don't, invest time in talk therapy. Find a therapist you trust and who is competent. If you don't like the one you get, find another. DO THE WORK.
Depression is like cancer of the mind. If you ignore it, it'll consume you until there is nothing left. Don't ignore it.
My current happiness is only tempered by the knowledge that I lost so much along the way by ignoring my symptoms. Don't be that guy. We have a small amount of time on this rock. Make it worth your while.
I had a very strong opinion about psychiatric drugs: I hated the idea of them.
But when you are desperate, you'll try anything. And I was desperate.
SO I made a bargain with myself: drugs for a maximum one year. No matter what happened, I'd only try the drugs for one year.
After one year I didn't need them any longer. I was able to understand when I was entering a depressed state and adjust. Knowing what "good" felt like helped me understand what bad" felt like.
That's the bit that causes the growth and why you need to combine talk therapy with drug therapy.
I got lucky and found the right combo for me; someone else might have to try a few combinations to find what works for them.
(brought me back: ability to smile and laugh. Ability to find amusement watching television [even my wife's shows], ability to think at work. No longer staring out my window wishing everything would end)
I have not put in the work to find a talk therapist, I really think I'm ready to do that now, I'm going to follow up on Monday and find someone.
The talk therapy is like learning how to get strong so you don't break bones or lose balance and fall.
They go together. You can do talk therapy without the drugs but that didn't work for me. The drugs got me into the right frame of mind to understand and process emotions. I could be mindful and see when I was irritated because depression was creeping back in.
I don't think depression is something you completely cure. I think it's something you manage your way out of and keep at bay with constant effort. Mental hygiene practiced with a professional goes a long way towards making that happen.
Look, I discussed some really gut-wrenching things with my therapist. I dug deep. I did the hard work. It wasn't fun.
But today I'm able to live without drugs or weekly visits to a therapist. I'm effectively in remission. And let me tell you man: I'm HAPPY.
Are you sure they don't see it? And if they see it, do they understand it for what it is, or do they misinterpret it?
Make an appointment on Monday 3/28 with your doctor, or with an EAP service if that's available to you, or county health, etc. Be clear about what the appointment is for, and get the soonest possible appointment (that day if possible).
I'm being successfully treated for depression. My depression and treatment is not your depression and treatment, but it's likely that there is effective treatment available for you.
Put it on your calendar right now to make the appointment on Monday. Your depression may be discouraging you from taking steps. Push through the fog, make and keep the appointment.
If you feel overwhelmed before Monday, call the emergency number. You're not wasting anyone's time, that's why they're working at the jobs they have.
Call Monday.
So yeah, do therapy, but strongly consider a psychiatrist as well. Also, I have been looking into ketamine treatment for depression. If you are at the end of your rope, worth checking out as well.
I was under the impression that most life-insurance policies don't pay out for suicide?
I never took medication. I think that was a mistake that added years to my recovery. I'm still not sure I'm a person yet (but I'm optimistic about it). I never had the crushing sadness many relate to depression, but rather the emotional void variant [0]; I can't imagine how crippling it must be to not only fake happiness, but to also have to compensate for genuine unhappiness... I hope you find what you need soon. I have an account at gmail (see username) if you feel safe venting to an anonymous person; just keep looking for something that gives you the contrast to see what feeling normal is like (not even feeling good! Just normal. Life is sometimes brutally sad for long periods. And that's ok. But if you can't imagine feeling differently then maybe the mind's chemistry has wedged itself.)
Anyhow, if anything else comes out of this rather large thread of responses, you ain't alone. It's hard to slog through and find what works for you, be it a next gen medicine, meditation, or an hour on the motorcycle every day, you'll find the thing(s) eventually. Just slog through it a bit longer.
Also: we seem to only have the one life, so procrastinate on ending it. You've a worst case of dying of old age or accident, then, and you may just be surprised to be in a better place a few years from now. Being able to look back is certainly a luxury I cherish, personally.
[0] http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-par...
It's so silly, but this is to me the best, most consice write up of depression I've stumbled upon. YMMV. But my friends and I were in tears laughing over it - but over different parts. Depression nails a lot of people in different ways, so keep trying to fid the fix for you. It really does exist.
Is it possible to cut your cost of living significantly (by 50% or more through some extreme changes)? When the alternative is suicide, I'd imagine that almost _anything_ else is acceptable.
I know you don't have the energy for this lifestyle refactor since you're working two jobs and depressed. Can your wife take on this responsibility?
Lastly, bankruptcy is a greatly preferable option to suicide for your families sake.
Give it another go. Worst case scenario is you waste some time and maybe have some side-effects.
Finding medication and a therapist that work for you is really hard. It can take a lot of work. But it's worth it. It won't fix everything, far from it, but it's worth it. Just keep taking it one day at a time.
I tryed em out about 3 years ago. It remains among the smartest things I've ever done for myself. The field has come a long way. I'm the same guy I always was, with lots less crushing anxiety.
If it's been a long time, give it another go. "I tried a cell phone in 2003 - it was shitty" sounds crazy. It's apples to oranges compared to what's available today. Turns out medicine is the same way sometimes.
You should try something like see a doctor and if that doesn't work try something else until it works and it can work and take a bit of time.
I've had episodes in my life where I felt so trapped or constrained or ashamed that I thought about ending it.
I'm really glad I didn't. My thought process was broken. I would have devastated my loved-ones, and thrown away my life for deadlines / issues that no one cared about that much.
I have friends who have survived major depression and are mostly happy now.
There's hope!
Yes it is. I've met many people before finding someone that I can trust a bit.
Carl Rogers was an interesting guy and he had a scientific approach (as I like understand how things work). It's a model that fit well to my mind.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMi7uY83z-U
I guess all models have nearly the same success rate.