Ask HN: Struggle and how everyone else gets lucky but me?

I was in the industry for 12 years struggling until I made a good salary. Before then I was making 90k or less some years. Sometimes it takes a while.

The awesome thing about the tech industry... what you did or make this year doesn't affect what you can make two years from now all that much.

>What did you do to keep head high and still achieve something great in life

Be confident you can eventually get where you want, but realistic about how many weaknesses you have and how long it will take to get there. This might be a two year path for you to get that dream job.

In the mean time, you can't spend 100% of your time stressing about how you aren't growing/progressing fast enough. Partition your free time into both 'learn/grow' and 'goof off/relax' time. You absolutely need the latter too. Study your tech books, practice coding etc.

For me, no matter how crappy or great my week is, friday night I have a couple drinks with friends or my GF and don't think about work. If I stay up all night working, I try to read a fiction book for fifteen or twenty minutes before falling asleep. Little things like that will keep you sane and happy for the marathon it will take to get to where you need to be.

>> dating, finding high paying jobs, finding cheap homes and getting rich

You don't get "lucky" with these. They take effort.

Don't think in terms of how much you are struggling.

Think about what other people want. What kind of men do women like in your area? What kind of employees are employers valuing? Where in the world you can get a house for less than $100k? What kind of assets are very cheap right now?

Think hard all the time about all of these things.

That's what I do, like all the time.

I'm in a relationship. I have a 6 figure job. My stock portfolio went up heaps in past year. I pay $400 rent after renting out the other rooms of the house I'm renting for $2200.

None of these were "luck". And I didn't "get" them by working and going to the gym and making applications.

I'm Asian also.

There are a two things that bother me about your post.

1. You mention you want the "life of luxury" that these "lucky" people enjoy. If you spend your life chasing wealth, you will never feel satisfied. These "lucky" people spend their days doing something they love, not just chasing wealth. This motivates them to learn constantly and become better everyday.

2. The difference between you and the people who are "lucky" is when they get rejected, they study harder, learn more and keep persisting. Instead of doing that, you wasted your time writing this post to complain.

Figure out what you want and go after it. Do whatever you need to do to achieve it. It's as simple as that. If you don't really want it you will fail.

As a "lucky "person, desire for wealth was defiantly a component.

I sought out better opportunities because that desire. And I invested my money well.

It also happens be correlated with stuff I enjoy.

There are plenty of jobs people enjoy in which people will never achieve financial stability.

What you don't see is all the failure i had to go through.

Keep your chin up . . . if it happened for everyone they wouldn't call it luck . . .

Seriously though you do have to make your own . . . with a positive attitude, keep trying . . .

Sounds like you have a decent job . . . compare your peanuts to some other workers around you . . . restaurant manager, uber driver, I expect you're making more than most professions.

Focus on the positive, improve your skills, be confident, build a few side projects to help you in your next interview. Show them what you can bring to the table beyond slinging code, business logic, improving the flow/ui/ux of the apps your work on . . . there are lots of ways to bring more value than the other devs out there . . .

Good luck, keep trying . . . make your own luck, and pay it forward to the less 'lucky' employees around you.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and create your own projects. If they're getting a better salary than you, they either value themselves higher than you do or they're genuinely better than you at programming.

If you are bad at getting a job, make your own. Moving to the bay area is a terrible idea. It's a bad place. It's expensive but I guess on the plus side, you wouldn't feel out of place going homeless.

Improve your confidence, improve your skills. Also, "achieving something great in life" is different for everyone.

"I got rejected by both Facebook and Google this week after 1st round and it has been quite a downer on my confidence"

I'm self-employed now, but when I was looking for jobs, I was rejected multiple times (before finally finding a job). I tried to learn as much as I could from the situation and I moved onto the next interview. Sometimes, it's just not a good fit or they were looking for someone with a different skill set.

All of these successful people that are 5 years younger than you probably got rejected multiple times before getting a job. They will never tell you this and you only see the success.

It reminds me of many photographers' portfolios: You might see 100 beautiful, perfect, pictures. But, you don't see the 1000 terrible shots it took to get them.

"It has been at least a month I have been looking for new job but still nothing."

Try to get busy with something. Work on an open source project while you are looking. I'm not sure why, but I've always found my best jobs while I wasn't thinking about getting a job all the time. It might have to do with subtle signs or body language...or maybe I'm just more comfortable.

"So far life has been really really brutal for me"

Welcome to life. It sucks..but you sound like you are on the right path.

"dating"

Dating will always be tough. I dated around for 5 years before finding my wife. I have found that it's very similar to finding a job: When I'm not concentrating on looking for a date, I end up finding one.

My wife and I met through a meetup group. It had nothing to do with dating, just a mutual interest.

I think many people go through similar phases in life, i actually think most of us do. And i believe the more ambitious one is,the more one become incline to those kind of feelings.Two things to watch out for are : how long does it take you to snap back to your regular self, and do you learn anything from those dark moments.

Has to what to do ? I don't have any solutions but i can offer some reflections of my own having been in that dark hole myself a lot of times.

First let's talk about your inner world. I don't know you, and i don't know the struggles you face, but independent of your external conditions, there is a large body of "technics" on how to deal with and manage negative emotions ( lookup self-regulation in emotional intelligence for a start). Beyond that, the idea of "emotional hygiene" has been very helpful to me.Much in the same way that feeling tired all the time is usually a sign that your body is missing something, experiencing long period of negative emotion might be a sign that your are not taking care of you emotional system as you should. Some people mentioned hanging out with friends etc...A sense of belonging is very important (even for introverts) , but there are many other aspects (Ask more questions is you want more specific item as to what to do ). I also get from your post the impression that your self worth is somewhat attached to your success... A lot of us feel this way, and that's a very dangerous way of valuing one self.

Now after all that emotional sweet talk, the fact remains that emotions do usually contain a kernel of truth. i think the gist of it is that your are not happy with the results your are getting given the amount of efforts you putting in. The reason for that might that your model and assumptions about success and how to be successful are not accurate as they can be. In other words, what you experience as "luck" for other people, might not really be luck as much as a chain of consequences that your model cannot explains. You mentioned someone getting a cheap housing, maybe it was pure luck , or maybe that someone has better soft skills which translated to better/bigger social network which resulted in him/her being aware of more housing deals; and more housing deal combined with better negotiation skills resulted in a good deal.So instead maybe you should be thinking "i need better soft skills".

So maybe this is the time to reevaluate some of your core belief; You seems to be focusing on "hard work" as the main variable for success...But smart work,soft skill, opportunity and leadership are all equally important. How are you doing on those fronts ?

> I feel like noone has struggled in life as much as me. Its ultimate struggle that I hate.

Re: struggle (just for some perspective)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gulag

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nazi_concentration_camps

Putting your own struggles into relative terms isn't very helpful. It is dismissive of valid concerns.

Remember that social skills beat technical skills everyday of the week. If you want to have a high-paying job that is the area you should focus on.

It's hard to sort out disappointment from depression, but if you're feeling hopeless and despairing, it might be a good idea to talk to a professional counselor. http://www.networktherapy.com/CA/San-Francisco-Therapists/

Fortune and luck are all relative. Maybe a reframing is all that's necessary.

Try volunteering, giving back, and getting to know some of the millions of people who are much less fortunate than yourself. It might help you gain a new perspective on your own situation, and, if nothing else, will stack some karma points up in your favor.