But then I started playing devils advocate. If your sending an offer letter wouldn't you want it really personal and not as much about the $$$. Wouldn't you want to cite memorable and salient specifics about the individual.
This letter seemed like it was completely automated. It didn't seem "sticky" at all. I think a "personal" letter might have greater success particularly for smaller companies hiring expensive talent. Obviously you need to state what the candidate would be receiving for compensation but I think making it the only focus will lead to price comparisons.