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Comment by guidolabense | Hacker News Reader

Nah I think that's the crux of the issue. You're saying you go on dates, like taking someone out for dinner, in order to work out if you want a relationship with them I'm saying in the EU that it seems weird to us and overly personal to be going out for dinner alone with someone, when you don't have an existing romantic relationship with them. You'd normally get to that stage first, and then start going on dates. So you can see how multiple dating (if that's a real thing in the US or just telly), seems fucked up.

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How do I get to that stage if I don't know them yet? And if my existing pool of contacts from the opposite sex is lacking, where do I source these people from?

I've been using Tinder for a few years now and for the most part have had great experiences. My first date is always dinner and drinks, and this is the norm amongst my friends as well (American here)

What would you do in my case?

> How do I get to that stage if I don't know them yet?

I really don't get what you're asking. If you don't know them yet, why are you trying to move towards having a relationship with them at all? Are you just trying to form a relationship with people entirely at random?

That's what's weird about dating culture. There was a woman who wrote an article about US dating culture vs UK dating culture when she moved to the US to go to college, and she said she found it offensive being asked to go on a date by people she didn't know well, as either they were just asking anyone at random and didn't actually care about her, or they were purely asking her out because of her looks, as that's all they had to go on, and that was offensive as well.

In the US it is considered bad form to date someone who is in your close circle -- to the level that it's called "friend-cest" where I am from.

Many Americans believe that by having your romantic relationships come from outside of your circle you're assured that you both remain independent, and it gives your relationship a sort of 'hybrid vigor'. That is, by drawing from a larger social area your relationship gains a greater vitality.

What's more, it is considerably less complicated socially -- e.g. there are no exes to worry about, or if you break up you don't have to worry about friends choosing sides.

It is also considered a very serious faux pas to date someone you work with. That will very often lead to both people being fired if it is discovered by management.

As a result, that means you need to look outside of your social network for romance. Hence, the existence of dates.

That's not generally the US norm. Nothing like that happening around here for instance.

Its not an optimal strategy. Unless the goal is to have arms-length relationships that you expect to fail. Otherwise why all the concern about breakup fallout, ignoring exes efficiently, remaining independent?

If you don't date people you know, or people you work with, then the pool becomes limited to 'complete strangers'. A bad beginning.

Date like you have nothing to lose!

In europe you would just normally talk to each other during group-activities: on a party, maybe during work, wherever.

If you like someone, you would make sure that you meet him or her more often until, at some point, you will start doing things together without any others.

There are no clear rules for this. There are typical dates, like over Tinder, here as well. I guess one of the differences is that we don't define it.

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