Comment by NTDF9 | Hacker News Reader

Comment by NTDF9 | Hacker News Reader

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Funny you bring this up.

I was on a date last Thursday and this girl (29 yrs old) was constantly trying to figure out how she was better than me....IN EVERY FACET OF LIFE.

For example, she went on and on about how she is a badass since she went to the Amazon forests to a nice touristy shack with a guide and a bar. She told stories of hammocks, mosquito nets, snakes, insects and other wild stuff.

After a long time, she finally asked, "Tell me something about yourself...what adventures have you done? Or do you just do some programming stuff" (stereotyping of software engineers is rampant)

I simply smiled at her and said, "I backpacked through the forests in India without tour guides and ate wood-fried insects for lunch" (all true)

She was surprised....and all of a sudden, the average me piqued her interest. She couldn't believe that I had done better than her in pretty much everything.

Now she wanted me....but I didn't...not anymore.

I'm 27. I want practical, non-judgemental girls...not massive egos.

I have a better explanation. She was talking about the kinds of stuff she was into, and didn't sense that you were into the same things. Then when you said you did do stuff like that, she was interested because you had more in common.

She didn't have an ego, you did. If you didn't, you guys could have talked all about the particulars of the stories she was telling, interspersing with similar tales from your adventures.

But no, you wanted to prove that you were better than her. So you let her talk thinking not of having an actual conversation with her, but wanting to go on your spiel.

Honestly, you weren't there, you have no idea what kind of tone / non-verbal cues she was putting out there.

It's entirely possible you're right, but all you know about the situation is what he's written here. Without any other information, I'm inclined to believe what he's saying.

You're right, I wasn't there.

But it's not hard to have an engaging conversation with someone, even someone you are not interested in as a romantic partner. Especially when you have things in common to talk about.

He pointedly stated that he didn't want to do this, citing a problem he had with her attitude. To me, it doesn't matter what tone she used, what non-verbal cues she put out there. You're sitting there with someone doing nothing else but talking for an hour or so. If you can't make the most of it, and you blame the other person for that, then it's you that has the ego problem.

A conversation, particularly in a date context, is a delicate dance of perceptions, temptation, discovery, and yes, ego. It's fun whether or not you plan on doing anything else with them or even whether you like them.

Honestly, while I'm not inclined to believe vinceguidry's opinion, I'm also pretty sure NTDF9's opinion is wrong, for a two simple reasons:

1) Virtually every single time I've heard my guy friends talking about (and drawing conclusions from) a bad date, it's almost always (in my judgment) psychobabble BS - there are a million reasons for having a bad experience. Now that I think about it, this applies to women talking about their dates too.

2) Why would you talk about a bad date on an internet forum? I have a strong prior belief that any personal interpretation of the opposite side in a romantic situation on an internet forum, is probably wrong.

> She didn't have an ego, you did.

Why do you defend her?

She was clearly being stereotypical of computer programmers; in her own words - "Tell me something about yourself...what adventures have you done? Or do you just do some programming stuff" (the keyword here is "just" ... as if computer programming is not an adventure).

So what if she was? He just let her talk for 10-15 minutes, contributing little. If I were her, I'd be a little annoyed too. He had all this time to participate, why didn't he?

I'm sorry, but I'm way more inclined to think that it was him that was lacking in social adroitness than that she was so unbelievably insulting that he couldn't even talk to her.

I don't want to analyze it too much, in the end it's just a bad date. But I get asked stuff like that all the time, and it doesn't piss me off. Some coders really aren't very adventurous. If I was one of those coders, I wouldn't get mad either. I'd just realize she's not my type, enjoy the conversation as much as I could and move on.

Why be so quick to take offense?

> So what if she was?

It means that for a man who wants "practical, non-judgemental girls," the decision to call it quits is much easier in regards to a girl possessing an ego that is stereotypically judgemental of his identity in such a demonstrable fashion of her "trying to figure out how she was better than [him]....IN EVERY FACET OF LIFE".

And you know all this... from 15 minutes of chatting? You've never been a little nervous or said something stupid during a first date?

As none of what NTDF9 wrote of his experience (and nowhere did he write that it was "15 minutes of chatting") even remotely indicates her being "a little nervous" or her having said "something stupid", your two loaded questions cannot be answered in their present form.

Saying something stupid (like "programming stuff") is definitely something that someone might say because of nervousness.

That is such a bizarre characterization; where on this earth do you see the use of phrase "programming stuff" implicating its utterer being in a nervous state? Besides, you are ignoring the whole context that NTDF9 spelled out in his original post; it really pays to take that into consideration instead of reading something with layers of prejudiced interpretations.

I have little reason to believe NTDF9's characterization of the encounter. Neither do you. These are just random internet opinions, keep that in mind. See: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=11085463

> I have little reason to believe NTDF9's characterization of the encounter. Neither do you.

I do not have such need to believe, as I take what the other person says at face value. Specifically NTDF9 gave a report of his date (a real-life event), and it is hardly a random internet opinion; he was the one who was there in flesh and blood body and only he could have assessed it better than anyone here (with their random internet opinions/ judgements). Not imposing my own opinions and biases on the other person -- and generally taking what they say at face value -- makes life much easier when it comes to interacting with people.

Also, as random internet opinions don't spring out of nowhere -- they are reflective of the people who write them -- I wouldn't downplay it using the attribute "just." I started this whole thread after being bewildered by someone (vinceguidry) defending a girl who was just reported to be stereotypically judgemental of her date. He wasn't just expressing a random internet opinion, especially as I am familiar of this attitude among (some) men in the real-world.

What people talk on the internet is reflective of what happens in the real-world.

>> I have a better explanation. She was talking about the kinds of stuff she was into, and didn't sense that you were into the same things. Then when you said you did do stuff like that, she was interested because you had more in common.

Or...she could be a normal person and try to understand what I've been doing my whole life until now, just like I was listening to her about her own stories. Because in normal world, people have diverse lives.

If I say I only want a programmer woman (since I'm a programmer), but who is even better than me. What would you say about that? Am I being picky? Big ego? If I am, then why isn't she called picky?

> Am I being picky?

Yes. You rejected her.

> why isn't she called picky

Because she did not reject you.

> she could be a normal person and try to understand what I've been doing my whole life until now

A date is not a normal situation. Just like job interviews, there are all kinds of objectives people can have that influence their behavior that don't really involve you that you're not going to know about going in.

She may have been on a bunch of dates with guys where there were these long, boring discussions on stuff that the guy found interesting but she didn't. That happens a lot from what I've been told. So she forms a strategy for making her dates better.

> I was listening to her about her own stories.

You weren't just listening, you were listening and forming judgments. You need to be aware that these judgments you are forming aren't necessarily correct and that you should allow her to correct them before you let them take control of your date.

You need to participate in the telling of the stories, not just sit there like a cold fish.

> If I say I only want a programmer woman (since I'm a programmer), but who is even better than me.

I would say you're being needlessly and destructively dismissive of potential mates. You don't pick the woman you want, you pick among the women you have available to you.

If you really want a programmer, then you should be taking positive steps to meet more of them. Same with any of these criteria. If that's really what you want, yet you're limiting yourself to just what comes along, than your desires are just wishful thinking. It's like marketing, you need to have a way to target your audience.

Honestly, you both sound pretty lame.

True.

Unfortunately, I can't remain humble when my date starts a brag-fest like high school kids.

Humility is sometimes taken as cowardice or shyness.

My rule: unless it was TERRIBLE, I always try for a 2nd date. Too much variability in a first date to draw meaningful conclusions.

Truth....was she nervous, was she not into where was picked for the date, did you not get her humor yet, did she not get yours, etc

Easy on the ablism there "balls187".

Yes. No one want's to hear about your gap year in Bolivia.

Sorry, man. Based on what you wrote and how you wrote it I'm sensing that you might be the one with the massive ego.

She could have been nervous and wanted to impress you. A girl who does not like is not likely to spend time trying to outdo you, she'll just fake some reason to leave.

I don't think you're the massive ego. There is a competition nowadays to who's done more. Actually when people tell it, it's not that they want to be the best. It's that they want a minimum, and that minimum is perhaps "At least my partner has to be able to enjoy travelling" or "At least my partner must have seen enough different situations so he will be flexible and compassionate if I become broke/superrich or if we have friends from variety X or Y". Maybe try to decrypt what she was asking for and she'll notice you're on the same wavelength. Don't let that mold into a competition.

> girl (29 yrs old)

> I'm 27

Besides you can afford to keep dating for another 5-10 years, she has to settle soon due to fertility window. Pickiness is the bane of latest generations...

Not all women want to have kids.

Most women want to have at least one child.

> was constantly trying to figure out how she was better than me

Is there anything wrong with that? I like people who claim to be better ... assuming they can support these claims. She was positive and interested in you - why would that be a problem?

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