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This may be a bit rude, but seriously, what the hell?

It sounds like the kids hit high school, and you're already like "it's too late for'im, he's doomed!" That's quite the rough judgement to pass on someone who is still happy about growing some pubes. That has happened to me, and I'll tell you, it's no fun.

Second, academic skills aren't all that different from any other skills. Some people have picked them up by accident, some got them from their parents, and some idiots thought that gifted kids don't need these things, and we didn't protest either, because we were smart beyond our years, not wise. Thing is, you look at what the kids that get it right do, and you can pick them up within a couple of months. Cal Newport[0] wrote some decent books on it, mostly based on studying honours fraternity students and their study habits.

Third, don't make the kid feel inadequate because he lacks those skills. Being treated as the prodigal prodigy isn't a fun place to be, and really, what is he missing? Educational pedigree isn't all what it's hyped up to be any more. Tech people are increasingly self taught, and other industries that still rely on degrees to do the weeding are cutting left and right. Paralegals? Poof. Traders? Poof.

So what's there to be afraid of? Challenge your step-son, demonstrate to him the need to pick up those skills, and he'll probably figure it out. Show your support for him. You've already singled him out from the other 90% of kids, might as well help him get to the fun end of the bell curve.

[0]http://calnewport.com/books/

I wrote a really long thing supposed to help but it ended a bit self indulgent.

Short version: I failed my "high school exams" after coasting for so long I didn't know how to learn. I became afraid of trying in case I failed. So I didn't try and embraced failure. Worked as a chef for long hours and little money.

Turns out it's never too late to take control of your life and do something else. I went to uni at 23 via a foundation course (requiring no exams). I got a good job, am working towards a professional qualification and was sponsored through an MSc.

It's never too late, but it is often to early to reach your potential

Don't lose hope, but be realistic. The kid needs to disabused of the notion of innate skill.

My brother's a smart kid too. He ended up getting the lowest grades in living memory at our school, totally bombed high school.

Now he's finishing a CS degree at Columbia.

Going over it, he told me he never saw me study anything. I went off to Oxford before him, and he figured he'd do what I did. (What he didn't see was my late night homework sessions.) Only after many years did he get his act together.

Learning is really only about effort. You get a lot of people pretending it's easy so they can get that "smart" label, even through college. Don't let them fool you. Remember there's nothing at all, all the way through college, that isn't public knowledge that you can acquire just by reading and trying for yourself.

I believe there's a fair amount of evidence that praising effort, not cleverness or 'being gifted', is much more productive for children in the long run.

Yes, this! Praise effort. Tell them it's okay to fail, heck it's even GREAT to fail because each failure puts you closer to success.

It's not a "You are talented or not". Sure some people start out with an advantage but everyone has to hone their skills through practice and effort.

I don't know whether drilling down the message that "she is not gifted, she is just normal" is the right way to go. Maybe she will the get idea that she is not talented enough to try something so why bother. Alternatively you could reframe the message as "You are as gifted as anybody, hardwork is what matters".

A book won't change a person's life, but https://books.google.is/books/about/The_Adventures_of_Johnny... is a short manga (might not be suitable for the 4-year old but maybe the university student). Lesson 4 is "Persistence trumps talent.".

A summary of the lessons in the book : http://www.danpink.com/2013/05/the-6-essential-lessons-of-a-...

It's never too late. I was a D student through most of high school, just barely graduated. I didn't care. Drank through three different colleges without getting a degree and spent most of my twenties bumming around. It wasn't until I was nearly 30 that I started getting my life together. I'm 38 now and feel quite successful and happy with where I'm at in life. I'm sure from my parent perspective, I was pretty hopeless.

  >  I see how he will fail more in college, and can't help.
  >  My only difference from him was that he is failing in high school, I failed in university.

Help yourself first, man. Figure out how to beat your own distractions. Reach your potential. You can do it, and then your example will inspire him (or at least show him the way). You owe it to your son, and you owe it to yourself.

My brother said this one time and I think it applies here. In terms of career success, IQ is the Y Axis you start out at, but hard work is the X axis representing how far you get in that field. It is the responsibility of those high on the Y axis to push just as hard along the X axis. What is success for one person is not success for another, so just set expectations based on things that take hard work as opposed to brute force intelligence. School isn't really an indication either way of future success, of my smartest friends, they typically end up closer to the top of their field, but many failed at school/academic pursuits and got into other lines of work, creative endeavors, etc.

Don't drill the message that she's "not gifted" into her. Drill the message that she works hard into her.