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Comment by redblacktree | Hacker News Reader

Do you have children? If you don't teach them values, where do they get them from?

Most children learn a lot of habits and values by unconsciously picking them up off their parents. They learn from your actions what is correct and incorrect behavior without you having to directly teach it. Good behaviour is comprised of the union of two sets: behaviour that you allow, and behaviour that you partake in. If these sets overlap then you can be pretty sure that your child will learn 'good behaviour' as defined by you.

I would also add that many beneficial social movements favouring equality among humans have been contested by adults who were brought up to share their parents' values. I hesitate to say that most children do not care about colour or sexuality until they are taught by their parents that differences are bad, or see their parents reactions to people who are 'different'.

Mostly from their peers, it seems, whether or not you try to mold them at home: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Nurture_Assumption

That's true. Much of their behaviors also seem to come pre-written on their minds. Stephen Pinker talks about it in his book "The Blank Slate - a Modern Denial of Human Nature". Most of parents' efforts seem to leave little impression on the child's nature in the long run. Even the forcefully imparted moral values are held not as innate nature but as second nature which can either break under societal pressure or throw the child into confusion.

They learn values by the example you set, but that doesn't mean they share your interests.

Distinguishing "enforce" from "teach" might help with answering.

I can't speak for the author, but I pretty much raised myself, and I probably got my values from popular culture.

I think Jonathanks was referring to the "pray away the gay" type parents or the "I'm disowning you for giving up your religion."

So far, you have gone deeper than what I wrote to correctly guess what I intended. Thanks. I may reword my post to be more context specific. Or, maybe, I'll make a new article explaining my stance in the context I intend.

How do you get "don't teach your children any values" from that quote? Seriously?

That should be "don't enforce on your children any values". I mean to criticize virulently demanding that one's children follow a predetermined set of values because their parents hold them to be true, especially when those values are mostly cultural assumptions.

Jonathanks said:

> Most parents that enforce their own ideals and values on their children are narcissistic.

Which I took to mean that they don't agree with enforcing rules (which come from values) on children. I think if you have children, you know that this just won't work. Without rules and boundaries, kids will literally kill themselves.

That's quite true. I now see where the problem comes from. I did not apply the right words to convey my intended message. You can blame me for that. The topic is about raising creative children and I actually intended to criticize imposing ideals and ambitions on children, or forcing them to a religion or cultural practice that is just preferred by the parents but not generally true or acceptable. For example, I have severally witnessed parents coercing their children to take up a career in a particular field without regard to the children's strengths and weaknesses, just because the said fields are appealing to the parents. Some I've seen even threatened to discontinue the children's upkeep should they dissent. I have also seen parents become alienated from their children due to religious differences: the child prefers to make his life more about his service to society through his career but his parents want him to be more religious and devout. Sometimes the parents go against any form of reasoning that conflicts with the tenets of their religion. Such cases are the intended targets of my original comment and the quote I added. Sorry for the confusion.

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