Is marriage a broken model? Neil Strauss on non-monogamy

To me, asking "Is it natural to be faithful to one person for life?" is about as valid as asking "Is it natural for man to lie with man?" Who gives a shit what is "natural"? We're homo sapiens. We can do what we want.

My wife and I are completely monogamous and we like it that way. Oh sure, I see attractive women on the street or have conversations with them in various scenarios and I feel that old feeling of "wow". But there's a lot more to having a relationship than that. I don't know what to call it, but there is a quality to our relationship that extends past just being "roommates" who sleep together. I've known quite a few people who have been unfaithful in their relationships. And I think where they have failed to be faithful is in failing to find that "more" in their primary relationship.

I think where cheating happens is when you have a relationship that is fundamentally narcissistic, where it's all about you, where it's not really about the other person but what the other person does for you. In that sort of relationship, swapping that person out for another is easy. And we know in general that narcissism is on the rise, so I don't think it's any surprise to see that cheating is on the rise. To ask if monogamy is "natural" is basically carte blanche accepting that narcissism is natural, plus nothing we should change about ourselves.

I had never had this deep level of connection that I have with my wife with any of my past girlfriends. When I felt that feeling that a person could be swapped out like that, when I felt an urge to flirt with another woman I had just met in a bar, instead of cheating on my girlfriend, I broke up with her. And that's another place where I think people get in trouble with their relationships. Most people seem to think it's important to always be in a relationship. I never did. I cut them off early if I felt reservations about the relationship. I didn't exactly know what I was looking for all those years, but if I wasn't aware that I had found it after a month, it was done. And I thought it was unfair to both me and her to continue a relationship I knew was ultimately going nowhere, no matter how much I enjoyed the sex at the time, or being seen in a relationship (I used to get a lot of flak from certain people about being single). I think if more people were not afraid of being single, fewer people would cheat. Not just because you can't cheat on a partner that doesn't exist, but because people who are in relationships will be more secure in them, not clinging to them just because they fear singlehood. But I think people are getting more afraid of singlehood, so I don't think that will happen anytime soon.

Being unfaithful is a difficult proposition for me to understand now, because I know I can't have the kind of relationship with a new person that I've built with my wife. I get pleasure out of making her happy. She clearly is the same. And it feeds on each other. Sure, there are women who are more physically attractive. I'm certain my wife finds certain other men more physically attractive than me. But that's not the only criteria to a relationship. With whom else am I going to have arguments about Star Wars (her) vs Star Trek (me)? Who else is going to put up with my farts and nose picking? Who else is going to be the mother of my baby boy? I don't cheat because I don't want anyone else, because what I want is my wife and the relationship we have.

If our relationship is "unnatural", I don't really care. It's freaking awesome, whatever it is.

If you've never experienced it, it's difficult to understand what it's about. So when I see people talking about "monogamy isn't natural" or I hear about people cheating, it just seems like a very obvious case of never having had a really deep relationship in their lives.

And if you've been in relationships and have not had a deep relationship, despite being with someone for years, I'd start asking yourself some tough questions about why that is the case. Are with a person you truly care about and want to have around you, or are you just in the relationship to be in a relationship? It's a hell of a thing, inviting another person into your life and making one life out of two. You have to and get to be extremely picky about it. You have to be able to bend, too. You have to learn what is actually important to you and what is just window dressing. And you have to be emotionally available enough to let the other person do the same to you. And if you get lucky, the two will coincide and you'll have that great relationship.

So I guess what I'm saying is I don't get how you can lay these problems at the feet of marriage itself. When you say "marriage is broken", what you're saying is that the marriage itself is what caused the issue, because otherwise, two people could live together into perpetuity "unmarried" and in this model they wouldn't have problems. It's like blaming the Ikea for bad furniture when you didn't follow the assembly instructions correctly. You're not supposed to get married in a bad relationship. Most people have bad relationships. How is that at all a problem with marriage? He even so much as admits that it's a people problem. So again, why the continued rhetoric "marriage is broken"?