Knowing how to lead and give feedback is a very hard skill, and takes time to master. Kudos to you for trying. You're on the right path. Some things you said that I like:
- You want to help your colleagues improve and get better. That's great, both for your team, and for their own development.
- You're asking for feedback, and retrospecting, in order to be a better leader. This will surely help you improve in the long run.
- You care about the fact that they (potentially) dislike you. This shows that you have a genuine interest in being a good leader/colleague, which will go a long way.
Some suggestions and things to consider:
- How do your interactions with your colleagues generally go? Do you make efforts to interact with them on a social level, or is it purely professional? Do you ask them how things their weekends went, what they did over the holidays, how their families are doing? Such topics can indeed be woefully cliched, but at least they will know that you're making an effort to connect with them as people, and not just as code monkeys.
- When you're "educating" them on various topics, do you allow for the possibility that your advice may actually be wrong? Do you encourage them to push back if they disagree with you, or do you expect them to follow your advice without question? When someone does disagree with your advice, do you encourage discussion and get into the merits of the arguments, or do you (subconsciously) pull rank and close off the discussion? If someone does present you with better arguments as to why they are right and you're wrong, do you compliment them and admit that they are right? Do you pout about the fact that you just "lost", or the fact that they questioned you? Do you pull rank and demand that they do what you say, despite them having better arguments?
- What percentage of your feedback to them is compliments, as opposed to constructive criticism? Do you only give feedback when you want them to do something differently? Or do you also regularly give them feedback about the things that they are doing well? Notice how at the top of this post, I included a couple of things I liked about what you posted. People are much more open to suggestions for improvement, if you also give them genuine compliments about the things they are doing well.
- No matter how hard you try, you will never be one of the guys. Because you hold power over others, some of them will try to suck up to you, some of them will be intimidated by you, some of them will resent you, and some will do a mix of all 3. Being "liked" is a reasonable metric to look at, but also look at broader metrics beyond that. Do people enjoy the work environment in your team? Is your retention rate better or worse than comparable teams/companies? Are people improving in their skills as engineers? Are people coming up with ideas of their own, and having earnest discussions about the best way to do things, or are they sitting back and just passively following orders? These are all far more important than you being liked. In fact, if you try too hard to be liked, and people pick up on that, they will even respect you less for it. It's better to be a firm, fair and friendly leader, than to be someone who bends backwards to be liked.