Mathematical and Scientific Joke Competition

It is said that papers in string theory are published at a rate greater than the speed of light. This, however, is not problematic since no information is being transmitted.

Q: What is the volume of a thin cylinder of height z and radius a? A: pizz*a

The Buddhist monk asked the master to explain the Dirac delta function. The master slapped him and he was enlightened.

A Buddhist walked up to a hot dog vendor and asked for one with everything. The vendor prepared it and said, "That'll be 5 dollars." The Buddhist handed over $10 and the vendor said, "Change must come from within."

A mathematician, a scientist, and a dean were kidnapped. When their university refused to pay the ransom, the kipnappers announced that they would kill them all, but only after each got his last wish.

The mathematician said he had an elegant alternative proof to the four color theorem and would like to sketch it out. It would only take 1 hour.

The scientist wanted to show his proof that the universe is flat. It would only take 2 hours.

The dean said, "Kill me first."

An infinite group of mathematicians walk into a bar. One says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint please." The second says, "Half a pint, please." The third says, "Quarter of a pint, please." Just as the fourth is about to open his mouth, the bartender says "I see what's happening" and pours 2 pints.

f(x) walks into a bar and the barman says "We don't cater for functions."

sin(x), cos(x) and exp(x) were at a party, and while sin and cos were having a great time, exp was sitting by himself. When asked why he wasn't joining in he said "Everytime I try to integrate I just end up with myself."

The jokes on Singh's page are pretty lame. There's a selection of mathematical jokes at http://mathoverflow.net/questions/1083/do-good-math-jokes-ex... (I thought I originally saw that link on HN but may be misremembering), of which the cleverest are very much cleverer (and to my mind funnier) than those. However, they're mostly submitted by, and rated by, actual mathematicians, so many presuppose quite a lot of mathematical knowledge.

Three mathematicians were out bow-hunting. Laying low they spotted a buck. The first took aim and let loose but the arrow silently zipped by 10 feet to the right of the dear. The second took aim but the arrow missed- 10 feet to the left of the dear. At which point the third, a statistician, jumped up and yelled- "We got it!"

A joke of the first order was told to a Scotchman, who was unable to see it. The person (X) who told this joke told the story of how the joke was received to another Scotchman, thereby making a joke about a joke of the first order, and thus making a joke of the second order. X remarked on this joke that no joke could penetrate the head of the Scotchman to whom the joke of the first order was told, even if it were fired into his head with a gun. The Scotchman, after severe thought, replied: "But ye couldn't do that, ye know!" X repeated the whole story, which constituted a joke of the third order, to a third Scotchman. This last Scotchman again, after prolonged thought, replied; "He had ye there!" This whole story is a joke of the fourth order.

  (from "The Philosophy of Mr. B*rtr*nd R*ss*ll", by Philip Jourdain)

When the Great Flood subsided and the Ark came to rest, Noah let the animals out with the admonition to go forth and multiply.

Some time later, Noah went for a walk to check on the animals and their new families. All was well until he reached a pair of snakes, who had no children. Worried, he asked them what was wrong. "Please," the snakes said, "Cut down some trees, that we might make our home in them." Noah was confused, but did as they requested.

Next time he passed by, Noah was delighted to find a happy family with many young snakes. Noah congratulated them, but was still confused, and asked why the felled trees were so important.

"We're adders, you see," the snakes replied, "So we need logs to multiply."

Edit: Argh, I somehow managed to completely overlook that this joke was listed in the runner-ups in the linked article. Sigh. I'll leave it here anyway because it's my favorite math joke.

"Q. What's green and commutes? A. An abelian grape"

Mmhmm.

What's green and commutes, and is worshipped by a limited number of people? A finitely-venerated abelian grape.

What's green and had all of its children involuntarily committed? A simple grape -- it has no proper, normal subgrapes.

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson flying hot air balloon. They get lost, so they have to land. They have no idea where they are. Sherlock Holmes asks passing by guy: "Excuse me sir, but where are we ?" Guy says: "You are in hot air balloon" and he walks away.

After some thinking Sherlock says : "That person was a mathematician". "How did you know that ?" asks Doctor Watson. Sherlock Holmes replies: "Well first he gave a very precise answer, and second - the answer was completely useless"

A statistician is shooting arrows at a target. The first shot flies by the target, missing by exactly 2 feet to the right. The second shot flies by the target again, this time missing by exactly 2 feet to the left. The statistician exclaims, "Bullseye!"

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

A: A woolley jumper.

Q: What do you get if you cross a mountaineer with a mosquito?

A: You can't cross a scalar with a vector.

How many digits of π have you memorized? http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1777#c...

Q: What's an anagram of Banach-Tarski?

A: Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski.

A historian, physicist and mathematician were travelling by train from England to Scotland for the first time and as they crossed the border they saw a black sheep.

"Look!" said the historian, "Sheep in Scotland are black!"

"No," said the physicist, "At least one sheep in Scotland is black."

"Hmm." said the mathematician. "Of all the sheep in Scotland, at least one of them is at least half black."

A mathematician is working in his study and he smells smoke. Turning around he sees smoke creeping round the door - fire! Quickly he pulls out a fresh piece of paper and starts scribbling.

As the crackling of the fire grows louder and the room is heating up, he relaxes back in his chair, pushes the paper aside and calmly returns to what he was doing, having proved that a solution is possible.

"You young programmers have it so easy. Why, back in my day, we could only program in ones because zero hadn't been invented yet!"

How is the first one a joke? Just because the waitress knew calculus? If thats the joke, how in the world did it win?

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? A. He worked it out with a pencil.