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"StarWater - Water purified by the sun. So pure that even astronauts drink it!"

Disturbingly, your extremely condescending idea is probably exactly the kind of thing that would actually work.

A condescending idea would have been to call it Brawndo. "It has electrolytes..."

Hey! That's got what I crave!

Normally it is called sanitized, but that doesn't make a good headline

"Think of H2Flow as an app for your teeth. The more Flow you take in, the more Sparkle Points you get! Get enough Sparkle Points and you're on your way to your first Aqua Badge..."

(Parks and Rec)

“Purified water” or “purified drinking water” is probably the best bet. Sounds neutral and it’s already on water bottle labels.

"Gently used" water

"Purified Beer"