Is that worth it?
From my curiosity as a late-20s guy not living in the US: For what reasons is a single man in the Valley not getting laid?
When I heard that, I knew Silicon Valley had nothing left for me, and I've never looked back.
EDIT: If you mean where I left for, then I went back home, Ithaca NY. Aside from it being much smaller and having the shittiest weather in the United States, it's an excellent place to live. Short commute, super friendly people, good local organic food, and it's not constantly in a drought. In fact, it is the safest place in the US from the effects of climate change and it's insulated from pretty much every natural disaster imaginable. It also has a minuscule cost of living compared to coastal cities and there's much, much more space than you'll ever get in a big city.
Just be prepared for cloud coverage so thick you could go weeks without seeing the sun.
I moved here single. I dated a lot. I'm now married. I'm by no means a player.
I live in a more popular area of SF where young people live and go out all nights of the week. Tech people are not at a disadvantage. Don't believe the (bad) hype and play into stereotypes.
If you're young, fabulous, doing well financially, but striking out with dates, don't blame it on your job or location. Dating is a contact sport. The more contacts you make, the better off you are.
My results have differed sharply from yours.
And now I need an anonymous posting button for HN. :)
That's why I signed up for this alt ;)
A lot of other replies have mentioned the ratio. Did you find this to be an issue?
No woman is going to sleep with an average dude making $150,000 when she can sleep with the better looking, smarter guy down the street sitting on $8 million in Dropbox stock.
So I can only conclude that not only do you and I exist in different social circles, but that your workplace must be significantly different from mine in order for us to reach such different conclusions.
It's very common for guys to feel judged on very shallow grounds. Nevermind the "eww, a techie" reaction.
My wife grew up in Silicon Valley but never worked in tech. On our first date, I casually mentioned that I worked on a couple of the Google Doodles. She was like "What are those?" On a later date, I mentioned that I'd found myself standing in front of Larry Page in the lunch line, and she was like "Who's Larry Page?"
Sigh. When casual name-dropping doesn't work, we're forced to rely on our personalities.
The interesting thing is that I can recall thinking that dating worked liked the grandparent post thinks it works only a few short years ago. Boy did I have a lot to learn. Most women don't actually care how much their partner makes beyond having some basic financial security. They care about feelings, and viewpoints, and hobbies, and values, and empathy, and all the things that make a person a person and not just an investment vehicle.
In most of the world (including in the US) a large proportion of 23-year-old men don't have basic financial security. So having basic financial security would be a key differentiator. In SV, it's not.
> They care about feelings, and viewpoints, and hobbies, and values, and empathy, and all the things that make a person a person and not just an investment vehicle.
Absolutely. But there's nothing about being rich that means you have bad feelings, negative viewpoints, or lack of hobbies, values and empathy. If anything, the richer you are the more interesting and diverse your stories and experiences will be and the more developed your hobbies and viewpoints.
It's also more difficult to be confident when you're surrounded by people richer and more successful than you day-in and day-out.
I'm referring to what you focus on, though. If you focus on being rich and are not, then by your own value system, you're a failure. If you focus on being kind - or well-rounded, or athletic, or outdoorsy, or eco-friendly - and are not rich, then who cares? By the standards that you've chosen to live your life, you're a success.
I think you might find that people have a surprising variation in values if you don't judge them - or yourself - by the same yardstick. Dating is all about finding the person whose values align with yours, not who is most successful on some arbitrary metric. Think in terms of direction, not magnitude.
In other parts of the world, you eventually get a return on that investment by standing out from the other 23-year-old men who might be more attractive or confident but are less skilled/intelligent, work menial low-paying jobs, and have no future. In SV, there are so many 23-year-old guys all around you who are more successful in their studies and careers than you are that you now have to find additional time on top of your 60h work weeks to differentiate yourself in some other way.
It's not impossible, of course, but it's very much playing the game on 'hard mode' compared to other cities I've lived and dated in.
Disclaimer: I am a techie with very artsy hobbies.
> Those long nights,
What nerd hasn't spent all night building something cool? I've /never/ been asked to stay at the office after hours and it's not an expectation that any of the big tech firms have.
> long commutes
No one gives a crap when you get in. I usually leave for work at like 10 AM and complete my 30 mile commute in about 40 minutes -- it's no big deal.
> (if you don't live a block away),
I used to have a shorter commute but I think SF is more fun and it's not that big of a deal...
> they can all wear you down.
I suppose if they were as you've stated them, but they're not.
> You're pressured into working more
You're really not. Also, we get like 21 full days of PTO, and I'm eligible for my sabbatical in another 6 months, which is just an additional month of free PTO.
> and you have less time to spend with friends and family
In addition to the fact that I get to hang out with friends pretty much whenever I want (no one cares about the 9-5 thing), I'm able to use my generous PTO to go visit family, which I probably do 3-4 times a year (honestly, love my family, but more would be too much)
> (work IS your friends and family! :')),
I get to work with a lot of smart people who I deeply respect and do consider to be exceptional friends. I also have friends who work at different tech companies and even outside of tech, and I get them the same was as anybody else, hanging out.
> less time for dating
We've got plenty of time for dating. My friends are going on dates all the time actually. Dinner, Drinks, Hiking... they're all totally possible thing to do.
> (and let's be honest: if you're a single man in the Valley, you're not getting laid).
Not going to dignify this with a response.
> It just sucks.
You are incorrect
> Is that worth it?
Beyond the shadow of a doubt :)