I’m a developer, and the community scares me…

I’m a developer at a startup in San Francisco. I’d be willing to bet a large sum of money that the _vast_ majority of developers are so-called ‘dark matter developers’. Contributing to open source projects, writing helpful blog posts, and participating in hackathons is going above and beyond the norm. Heck, even reading HN and proggit regularly and staying on top of new trends is probably going above and beyond the norm.

That said, it does sometimes seem like there is increased cultural value in being busy with lots of things — going to conferences and meetups, writing blog posts, contibuting to any and all open source projects. This kind of seems at odds with the old programmer ethos of laziness as a virtue.

I'm tempted to say that a lot of this ‘engagement’ with the community is cargo culting.

In any case, thanks for writing this anon. I've had similar thoughts and it's always reassuring to be reminded that I'm not the only one.

For what it's worth, I've been working as some role in IT for 25 years, published a book and written some heavily used pieces of software and feel the same way. It helped me to start sharing those thoughts with others I respected in the community to get their feedback and to help fight that negative voice in my head. I think those thoughts are common and when they are (now) shared with me, I confirm to the person that to tell themselves that it's crazy talk; sometimes my brain wants to keep me isolated even though that's the opposite of what's healthy for it.

Have you considered therapy? It sounds to me like your issues with getting out and networking with developers don't have much to do with the developers in particular. Rather, your social anxiety within you is holding you back from putting yourself out there.

I'm no expert on these things, but I did used to be primarily introverted. Extrovert tendencies did not emerge until I started working to fix the parts of my personality that would always hold me back from new possibilities and opportunities, and you can't fix what you don't understand.

Throw something out there. Send a pull request or message. See what happens. You can't gauge your worth based on failed attempts to elicit feedback.

I would recommend you think about therapy. Getting professional help might get your feet on a way to long term betterment.

What I was wondering is why you should be want to be seen. Do you feel the need to be recognised. Do you miss appreciation?

I would really, really recommend professional help. This is not something to be taken lightly.

While I am not sure whether you are on medication but that can really help. Besides anti-depressants you also need to look for a good psychotherapist. Therapy would certainly help you, too.