Comment by AnimalMuppet | Hacker News Reader

Comment by AnimalMuppet | Hacker News Reader

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So I'm a man, and I'm married, and I'm committed to my marriage. I'm not just worried about my reputation; my marriage is a more important issue. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I'm immune to temptation. So if I'm having to work closely with you, and you're interested in me, and I also find you attractive, I'm going to take steps to distance myself from you. That may take the form of not working late with you. It may even take the form of asking to be assigned to a different team than you. (Note well: It's not OK for me to try to get you fired, or damage your career. It's not even OK for me to ask that you get reassigned.)

If you want to blame me for that, saying that it's my weakness that is the problem, I can agree with you. But I'm not trying to discriminate against you, or put a glass ceiling on your career, or anything like that. I just know that I can be tempted, and if I give in, it will really mess up my life.

Unfortunately, that can still leave you blocked from your professional goals. I don't know how to fix this.

1. How many years have you been working?

2. How many times in your career have you found yourself working closely with a woman who you found attractive and who made it clear she was interested in you?

3. In these situations, how many times were you the woman's superior, equal or direct report?

I think answers to the above would be more beneficial to this discussion than the admission that you could theoretically be tempted by a co-worker to cheat on your wife.

1. 30

2. Once. I found her attractive, and I think she was at least willing to become interested in me. (Of course, I'm a clueless male geek, so I easily could have been mistaken.)

3. Her equal.

So, yeah, it hasn't happened to me very much. But the time it did, I did what I felt I had to to make sure that nothing happened. (What did I do? I sent one message that I wasn't going to play, and I asked a male co-worker that I trusted to hold me accountable for what I did and thought about her. It was enough.)

Your response sort of demonstrates the point I made above about most people not being attracted to most people.

In a career of 30 years, you found yourself working closely with a total of one woman who you were attracted to and who you thought might be "willing to become interested" in you. This co-worker was your equal, and you dealt with your feelings in what seems like a mature manner that caused no professional harm to you or her.

Where's the problem that needs solving?

> ... and you dealt with your feelings in what seems like a mature manner that caused no professional harm to you or her.

Thank you.

> Where's the problem that needs solving?

I was responding to Mz's post about how men who were not attracted to her reacted negatively to her. My point was that men who are attracted can be just as difficult.

It's fine if you don't see the problem based on my personal situation. In fact, I prefer it that way...

Thank you very much for that. That is exactly the kind of thing I am talking about: Men can be trying to be good men and make this choice. It isn't some nefarious, malicious, woman-hating choice. It's simply a hard problem to solve and the sooner we can look at in that light, the sooner we can find real solutions.

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