I don't think Haskell aims for this kind of success.
Abstractions can be useful and they can be beautiful. If your goal is to "easily build functional CRUD apps" you need the former. If you do research in computing science or would like to further your understanding or simply seek to appreciate the elegance and beauty in computation, you need the latter.
Admittedly, the latter goals (except research) are self-directed (they may make you a better or at least a happier programmer) and they don't directly contribute value to your customers, so I understand why you just called them "mental masturbation". However, I strongly disagree with that label. There is a long-term value in learning and general self-improvement.