I’m Too Old for This | Hacker News Reader

I’m Too Old for This

nytimes.com

122 pointskareemm33 comments

I generally try to abstain from criticizing articles too much, but this one bothers me a little bit — mainly because it is one among many of the numerous articles and blog posts popping up nowadays that advocate for the same general behavior: "focus on yourself".

I felt uncomfortable after I finished reading this and looked up some of the author's other work. See the reviews of her most recent book here:

http://www.amazon.com/Slow-Love-Pajamas-Found-Happiness-eboo...

In addition to having nominating her own work for national awards, there's an odd discrepancy between the generally positive distribution of ratings and the sheer number of upvotes on the lowest rated reviews as sorted by "Most Helpful".

I feel that articles that encourage people to have higher self-esteem and more self-confidence are, generally speaking, a good thing; however, the problem starts occurring when the focus is entirely on yourself. I feel like this theme of "be good to yourself; you deserve it", "sorry not sorry", and "you don't need anyone else to make you happy" falls only on the ears of those who are already far too absorbed in themselves.

It's peculiar because (at least in my experience), I've found that the people who actually need to read articles like this are those who already give too much of themselves to other people, yet secretly wonder if they are too selfish. Whereas those who are too selfish read these articles and think, "Hey that's me! I need to quit letting other people walk all over me. I need to care about myself more", when in reality they need to move in the other direction and care less about themselves.

I didn't read it like this at all. I read it as: the older you get the more you realize that the things that were important to you when you were younger weren't that important after all.

The older I get, the more I realize how silly many things are. There are ideals I'd tell you I would die for at 20. At 35, I don't even remember what those ideals are.

It is so much easier to forgive and let things go later in life. That's my take on the article anyways.

> The older I get, the more I realize how silly many things are.

This is the #1 thing I would go back and tell my teenage self if possible. Without my other experiences, I'm not sure my teenage self would listen though.

"you realize that the things that were important to you when you were younger weren't that important after all."

On the other hand nothing wrong with having aspirations and if people didn't have aspirations many things in society would never be accomplished. Aspirations drive people.

I think there is a saying something like "the difference between men and boys is the size of their toys".

And in fact many of those "toys" don't matter once you get older simply because you are in a different place in life with different needs and outlook. Can't imprint that thought pattern when younger and quite frankly why would you? What fun would that be?

I remember when I was in my 20's I was able to afford a really nice car one that I had always wanted in my teens. About a week after getting the car I was very aware of the fact that I wasn't any happier than I had been prior to getting the car (and actually thought I would be) and maybe even a little less so (anticipation effect if you want to call it that). I was still glad that I got the car though and have always had nice cars since and never regretted it. But part of my motivation has changed. Back then it was to get a girl by having a nice car and to impress people (used to be like that, the "get a girl" part many older folks will tell you). Now I like it just because its a nice thing to have. And in some cases having nice things helps with business as well in the bricks and mortar world at least.. I can tie a few deals to the fact that I drove a nice car. Plus getting random comments from strangers does provide a boost.

As you get old you do become more mellow because you can be more mellow. Because in many cases you have either "arrived" or your needs have changed. The kids college is already taken care of and all of that, have a vacation place, nice house and so on.

But don't think for a second that it would be possible to "not care" "now" if the effort hadn't been put in earlier to insure at least some financial security. And I am not talking about living richly either. But having enough that you don't have to be concerned with money is a nice thing don't let anyone tell you differently.

"the only difference between men and boys is the size/price of their toys" -- ie men don't grow up.

Edit: I guess that should be boys don't grow up.

I'm 60. Of course it'd be great to have my 21-year-old body and brain back (assuming I could keep all my experiences and learnings). And I'd love to be around to see what life will be like 50-80 years in the future, which I know is unlikely to happen.

Otherwise, though, I wouldn't trade. I'm fortunate to be very healthy, and life is better now than it's ever been. (I know, not everyone can say that --- as I say, I've been fortunate.)

I'd like my body and brain from around 28 back. In my particular case at 21, I don't think they hadn't quite finished growing up yet.

A lot of the advice in this article comes down to having perspective. E.g. I don't think the author misjudged her looks when she was younger--she just realized now that she's older it never mattered as much as she thought.

Getting married and having a kid was liberating for me in that regard. My desire to impress people who didn't matter or come across as cool and not derpy went almost to nil.

I've heard a similar idea expressed using more colorful language:

"Often you hear people say they have a 'bucket list'. Well I also have a 'fuck it' list. The older I get, the longer it grows."

I think that's likely a 'healthier' approach - i.e. to be at ease with where you are in life an not feel like there's a set of things you need to do to make life worthwhile. There's a similarity there with the Buddhist approach to desire or 'thirst' for experiences - i.e. to some extent they can't satiated because satiating one gives rise to another, that seems to be how the human brain is wired. It's the same with wealth, i.e. no matter how much people have they generally want more.

> Only when you hit 60 can you begin to say, with great aplomb: “I’m too old for this.”

Hmmm... for me, that'll be in just under a month, then ;-)

Happy 60th birthday then. :)

Insightful article. I'm only halfway to 60, so I still do a lot of the worrying and mistakes the author mentioned, but even looking back on my 20's there's some situations where I now think "I'm too old for this." Avoiding some of the storms definitely feels nice.

Yup. Ruminating is probably the fastest way to arrive at depression. Make a concerted analysis, fine, but then move on.

I've come to my own realisation: if I never read the NYTs again, I'll be net better off.

A secret of happiness : you don't have to wait until you're 60

I agree! As I read this I kept thinking--she was saying exactly how I feel. I'm too old to:

   * follow the latest fashion fads
   * deal with BS in relationships
   * not pursue what I find interesting, instead of what others find interesting
   * etc.

It doesn't matter what age you are, having the attitude that you are "too old" to put up with "it" will make your life better.

Indeed, most HNers have been saying this since they were 14.

Love this.

> Only when you hit 60 can you begin to say, with great aplomb: “I’m too old for this.”

But you definitely don't need to wait until sixty. :)

I'm already saying that, and I'm not even 40 yet.

I am not even 25 and joined the club already. People tend to forget the concept of circulation.

I'm 35 and have an established reputation as a curmudgeon. When people my age were first getting cell phones, I kept a landline. I eventually came around -- now I have a flip phone ;)

It might help that I'm from a religious tradition closely affiliated with the Amish (Mennonite), and have developed a mentality of being intentional about both adopting new technology and how I use it once I have it. Likewise with social trends -- there are certain sports I enjoy and therefore watch quite a bit, but I have no idea what clothing or TV shows are "hot" this year.

I'm 25 and I already feel this way about a lot of things.

This made me smile and laugh. And I have to agree, it's amazing what a little bit of resilience and the ability to see the "same old crap" coming can do for you.

No, old grumpy woman, you should care how you look. And fat body is a problem too, not only in terms of "look", but in terms of health. Athletic body is the aim - not fat and not anorexic. And "just be yourself" it's not an excuse, it's just laziness. You just too lazy for this.

I know you will downvote it and I don't care :) I more care about young people who allow themselves to be fat or ugly because of "be yourself" mantra. You will NEVER return these golden years, don't miss it - make your body beautiful (athletic) and enjoy it.

Hm, she doesn't seem grumpy but you sure do.

> Take a pass on bad manners, on thoughtlessness, on unreliability, on carelessness and on all the other ways people distinguish themselves as unappealing specimens.

I've also moved in that direction as I've got older, but I think it's because I've also got wealthier and gained more options. If I still had to choose between sharing my kitchen with thoughtless people and living in a ditch, I would still choose the former.

I'm not over 60 but I'm too old for Scrum. Can anyone over 30 take that Scrum kindergarten serious?

I don't think it's for the type of person that reads HN. I recently asked what a spike was and what the word relates to. I didn't get a clear answer i.e. I don't think anyone properly understood what it meant. I later did some digging - it's basically research. Quite why we have to invent a new word when there's a perfectly good one already I don't know.

I suspect too many people would interpret "research" as (their view of) academic research: no definite goal, no time limit, no constraints. A spike is supposed to be a time-limited investigation of something specific. After that time, either you learned enough to go ahead with implementation, or you didn't, and you have to decide what to do instead.

FWIW, I've worked at a few places that used Scrum (my current employer uses less formal processes), and I and some of my co-workers also read HN. I guess I don't know if we're "the type of person that reads HN", though, whatever that is.

"Scrum" means a large number of different things. Many of them can be taken seriously, some cannot.

"By now I’ve learned, the very hard way, that what you see in someone at the beginning is what you get forevermore."

I've heard this a few times over the years. Slowly I'm beginning to learn this first hand, from observing others but also myself.

Profound.

But not in the way the author intends.

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